Author Topic: B.R.O. Story discussion  (Read 14414 times)

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Offline meow a cat

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #50 on: Sun, 20 March 2016, 10:56:40 »
Hey Bro.  ;D

I don't want to seem insulting because I don't mean to be, but you might want to touch up on your English skills a bit, or maybe find a skilled editor? It's fine for the most part, but grammar issues throw the reader out of the story.

"We have made major advancements in the exploration of space. Sending probes to the farthest reaches of our galaxy." Bolded part is a sentence fragment, it has no subject. It would be better to turn it into a compound or complex sentence.

Something like "We have made major advancements in the realm of space exploration, and we now have the capability to send probes to the farthest reaches of our galaxy." would flow better.

"We scrambled to meet the threat head-on, but our first line of defense, Guardian Battalion, was obliterated. Their armor ripped to shreds by the invading forces weaponry." This just seems awkward to me, not sure why. A full stop doesn't feel right, so I think it would read better as a compound or complex sentence.

When I have more time, I can look over it some more if you'd like, and tell you if anything else stands out to me.

Gotta say, I love what you're doing Bro, and I think this is an excellent idea. I'm excited to read the next issue!

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Offline dohbot

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #51 on: Tue, 22 March 2016, 21:09:09 »
What rank will bronads be?
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Offline romevi

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #52 on: Tue, 22 March 2016, 22:49:28 »
What rank will bronads be?

Cannonballs.

Offline Rodgaroon

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Offline rowdy

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"Because keyboards are accessories to PC makers, they focus on minimizing the manufacturing costs. But thatís incorrect. Itís in HHKBís slogan, but when Americaís cowboys were in the middle of a trip and their horse died, they would leave the horse there. But even if they were in the middle of a desert, they would take their saddle with them. The horse was a consumable good, but the saddle was an interface that their bodies had gotten used to. In the same vein, PCs are consumable goods, while keyboards are important interfaces." - Eiiti Wada

NEC APC-H4100E | Ducky DK9008 Shine MX blue LED red | Ducky DK9008 Shine MX blue LED green | Link 900243-08 | CM QFR MX black | KeyCool 87 white MX reds | HHKB 2 Pro | Model M 02-Mar-1993 | Model M 29-Nov-1995 | CM Trigger (broken) | CM QFS MX green | Ducky DK9087 Shine 3 TKL Yellow Edition MX black | Lexmark SSK 21-Apr-1994 | IBM SSK 13-Oct-1987 | CODE TKL MX clear | Model M 122 01-Jun-1988

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Offline Fictiouz

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #57 on: Wed, 06 April 2016, 07:11:33 »
What rank will bronads be?

They would be Privates.
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Offline funderburker

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #58 on: Wed, 06 April 2016, 07:19:17 »
No boards at the moment :(

Offline rowdy

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #59 on: Wed, 06 April 2016, 21:43:35 »
What rank will bronads be?

They would be Privates.

From the family Parts.
"Because keyboards are accessories to PC makers, they focus on minimizing the manufacturing costs. But thatís incorrect. Itís in HHKBís slogan, but when Americaís cowboys were in the middle of a trip and their horse died, they would leave the horse there. But even if they were in the middle of a desert, they would take their saddle with them. The horse was a consumable good, but the saddle was an interface that their bodies had gotten used to. In the same vein, PCs are consumable goods, while keyboards are important interfaces." - Eiiti Wada

NEC APC-H4100E | Ducky DK9008 Shine MX blue LED red | Ducky DK9008 Shine MX blue LED green | Link 900243-08 | CM QFR MX black | KeyCool 87 white MX reds | HHKB 2 Pro | Model M 02-Mar-1993 | Model M 29-Nov-1995 | CM Trigger (broken) | CM QFS MX green | Ducky DK9087 Shine 3 TKL Yellow Edition MX black | Lexmark SSK 21-Apr-1994 | IBM SSK 13-Oct-1987 | CODE TKL MX clear | Model M 122 01-Jun-1988

Ị̸͚̯̲́ͤ̃͑̇̑ͯ̊̂͟ͅs̞͚̩͉̝̪̲͗͊ͪ̽̚̚ ̭̦͖͕̑́͌ͬͩ͟t̷̻͔̙̑͟h̹̠̼͋ͤ͋i̤̜̣̦̱̫͈͔̞ͭ͑ͥ̌̔s̬͔͎̍̈ͥͫ̐̾ͣ̔̇͘ͅ ̩̘̼͆̐̕e̞̰͓̲̺̎͐̏ͬ̓̅̾͠͝ͅv̶̰͕̱̞̥̍ͣ̄̕e͕͙͖̬̜͓͎̤̊ͭ͐͝ṇ̰͎̱̤̟̭ͫ͌̌͢͠ͅ ̳̥̦ͮ̐ͤ̎̊ͣ͡͡n̤̜̙̺̪̒͜e̶̻̦̿ͮ̂̀c̝̘̝͖̠̖͐ͨͪ̈̐͌ͩ̀e̷̥͇̋ͦs̢̡̤ͤͤͯ͜s͈̠̉̑͘a̱͕̗͖̳̥̺ͬͦͧ͆̌̑͡r̶̟̖̈͘ỷ̮̦̩͙͔ͫ̾ͬ̔ͬͮ̌?̵̘͇͔͙ͥͪ͞ͅ

Offline Bro Caps

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #60 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 20:38:28 »
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)

Offline Mr_BeastQuake

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #61 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 20:46:43 »
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)

I must admit, the story holds my attention and the cliff hanger endings are good.

I must know, in Part I there is first person speech but in Part 2 there isn't. It's said the forces in LA were decimated. Is our nameless hero/heroine dead??

Online Vigrith

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #62 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 20:48:44 »
Loving the new storyline and the caps are amazing, war-torn is a great theme and I'm glad you delved into it!

Offline Bro Caps

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #63 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 21:12:06 »
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)

I must admit, the story holds my attention and the cliff hanger endings are good.

I must know, in Part I there is first person speech but in Part 2 there isn't. It's said the forces in LA were decimated. Is our nameless hero/heroine dead??


So the nameless hero is actually a part of the Reaper Squadron, and part II is an accounting of the situation from outside of the group. I am still working
out a way to re-write part one that makes more sense in that regard. :)

Offline Bro Caps

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #64 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 21:12:16 »
Loving the new storyline and the caps are amazing, war-torn is a great theme and I'm glad you delved into it!


Thank you! :)

Offline Mr_BeastQuake

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #65 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 22:39:21 »
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)

I must admit, the story holds my attention and the cliff hanger endings are good.

I must know, in Part I there is first person speech but in Part 2 there isn't. It's said the forces in LA were decimated. Is our nameless hero/heroine dead??


So the nameless hero is actually a part of the Reaper Squadron, and part II is an accounting of the situation from outside of the group. I am still working
out a way to re-write part one that makes more sense in that regard. :)

Ah! I actually thought that could be the case, I don't think it's far off from being easy to place into context. It should be acknowledged, the level of difficulty associated with telling a story via keycaps and words, especially with the degree of detail you are providing. I think you're doing a great job.  :thumb:

Offline UsualSuspectXXX

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #66 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 22:45:09 »
Love the new installment of the B.R.O. story! I always enjoy your work, regardless of the medium  :thumb:

Offline Bro Caps

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #67 on: Sat, 15 October 2016, 22:52:45 »
Love the new installment of the B.R.O. story! I always enjoy your work, regardless of the medium  :thumb:
 


Ah! I actually thought that could be the case, I don't think it's far off from being easy to place into context. It should be acknowledged, the level of difficulty associated with telling a story via keycaps and words, especially with the degree of detail you are providing. I think you're doing a great job.  :thumb:



Thanks guys, appreciate it :)

Offline Gatix

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #68 on: Sun, 16 October 2016, 01:06:14 »
Just wondering.. What does B.R.O. stands for?

Offline Belfong

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #69 on: Sun, 16 October 2016, 02:46:31 »
Just wondering.. What does B.R.O. stands for?
It's written in Issue #1 - Battle Response Offensive.
 

Offline rowdy

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #70 on: Sun, 16 October 2016, 20:53:13 »
Great wording - really get a sense of despair and devastation from the story :)
"Because keyboards are accessories to PC makers, they focus on minimizing the manufacturing costs. But thatís incorrect. Itís in HHKBís slogan, but when Americaís cowboys were in the middle of a trip and their horse died, they would leave the horse there. But even if they were in the middle of a desert, they would take their saddle with them. The horse was a consumable good, but the saddle was an interface that their bodies had gotten used to. In the same vein, PCs are consumable goods, while keyboards are important interfaces." - Eiiti Wada

NEC APC-H4100E | Ducky DK9008 Shine MX blue LED red | Ducky DK9008 Shine MX blue LED green | Link 900243-08 | CM QFR MX black | KeyCool 87 white MX reds | HHKB 2 Pro | Model M 02-Mar-1993 | Model M 29-Nov-1995 | CM Trigger (broken) | CM QFS MX green | Ducky DK9087 Shine 3 TKL Yellow Edition MX black | Lexmark SSK 21-Apr-1994 | IBM SSK 13-Oct-1987 | CODE TKL MX clear | Model M 122 01-Jun-1988

Ị̸͚̯̲́ͤ̃͑̇̑ͯ̊̂͟ͅs̞͚̩͉̝̪̲͗͊ͪ̽̚̚ ̭̦͖͕̑́͌ͬͩ͟t̷̻͔̙̑͟h̹̠̼͋ͤ͋i̤̜̣̦̱̫͈͔̞ͭ͑ͥ̌̔s̬͔͎̍̈ͥͫ̐̾ͣ̔̇͘ͅ ̩̘̼͆̐̕e̞̰͓̲̺̎͐̏ͬ̓̅̾͠͝ͅv̶̰͕̱̞̥̍ͣ̄̕e͕͙͖̬̜͓͎̤̊ͭ͐͝ṇ̰͎̱̤̟̭ͫ͌̌͢͠ͅ ̳̥̦ͮ̐ͤ̎̊ͣ͡͡n̤̜̙̺̪̒͜e̶̻̦̿ͮ̂̀c̝̘̝͖̠̖͐ͨͪ̈̐͌ͩ̀e̷̥͇̋ͦs̢̡̤ͤͤͯ͜s͈̠̉̑͘a̱͕̗͖̳̥̺ͬͦͧ͆̌̑͡r̶̟̖̈͘ỷ̮̦̩͙͔ͫ̾ͬ̔ͬͮ̌?̵̘͇͔͙ͥͪ͞ͅ

Offline noobas4urus

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #71 on: Sun, 16 October 2016, 21:18:20 »
So the nameless hero is actually a part of the Reaper Squadron, and part II is an accounting of the situation from outside of the group. I am still working out a way to re-write part one that makes more sense in that regard. :)

A few thoughts on Part I.  It seems split and could have better cohesion.  I think you need to set the stage with a better narrative initially and then zoom in on the B.R.O. force.

The year is 2141.
-Go into straight narrative, talk about humanity, the state of earth, the invasion.  Avoid pronouns (We, I, me) in this part and avoid words like our too.  Say things like "Earth has been at peace for over a century." and "Humanity's search for intelligent life has been unfruitful, even with our bounding leaps in technology, extending our ability to scan planets in neighboring galaxies."

This will paint a strong picture that earth and humanity are together and one entity, a focal point of the story.  It sets the stage for Earth vs. The Invaders.

Los Angeles Outskirts - 1400 hours
-Make this like a diary entry/confession of the Reaper Squadron soldier.  For the first sentence, I'd suggest you to use this paragraph, "In my 22 years of military service, I never thought there would come a day when I would be helpless to protect the people of this planet. For now, there is no time to reflect on the matter. We must try to re-establish communications with the remaining coalition forces."  Then build on that with heavy pronoun use--I (the soldier), we, us, our (humans, B.R.O., the government)--as the hero tells his story and where he is at now.  This will make zoom in on the front lines of the conflict of the Humans vs. Invaders that was painted in the starting narrative.

Part II: It seems like you're going for straight narrative here again which works as you're building suspense by teasing that Reaper agents are out there.  This being the case, you need to decide if you're telling the story from a human's point of view, or just narrating it.  If you're not telling if from a human's point of view, I'd edit the "Our own defenses turned against us" into "Humanity's defenses turned against them".  Go through and replace the "our"s and "us"es with nouns and see how it changes the feel of the story.

tl;dr - I think if you did some organizational tweaking to Part I it would set the stage better.  Part II is very solid, I'd change over the pronouns and tell the story from a non-human POV for maximum impact.

Looking forward to Part III, I hope there is more enemy stuff.  The drone has a heavy H.R. Giger feel, so choice.

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Offline Bro Caps

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #72 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 04:09:19 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

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Offline CJD_Anthony

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #73 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 04:13:16 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


:')

Offline infiniti

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #74 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 04:43:58 »
That little teaser just gave me big excitement! <3

Offline heedpantsnow

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #75 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 07:20:17 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


So sharp and clean. Nice, Bro.
I'm back.

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Offline Minnie2

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #76 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 08:04:35 »
You come back with the best stuff ^-^
    A Bro Caps Fan

Just wanted to make sure everyone sees that information. A lot of people missed it ;)

Offline bubs

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #77 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 10:23:08 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


What a great looking cap

Offline UsualSuspectXXX

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #78 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 10:40:41 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


Digging the new design Bro!

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #79 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 10:48:32 »
Incredibly clean design!

Offline yinzer

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #80 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 13:22:00 »
More

I dig it. Looking forward to the new story!

Offline ramnes

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #81 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 13:38:17 »
I'm sure merutz story telling will be awesome, and I'm glad you decided to partner together!

Really looking forward to what's next. :)
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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #82 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:34:15 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image

Looks very cool.

This doesn't mean that the V2.5 is being retired does it?
Some of my Keyboards -->
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OTD Koala:  lubed 62g Old MX-Blacks    |    KMAC2:  lubed 62g Tactile MX-Greys    |    LZ-CLS    |    X60:  lubed 62g Vintage MX-Blacks    |    GON NerD 60:  lubed 62g Old MX-Clears    |    LZ-FE    |    Filco MJ2 TKL's:  lubed 62g MX-Clears  &  lubed  62g Vintage MX-Blacks    |    IBM '91 SSK
                                
       
WTB/WTS ---->
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Offline Bro Caps

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #83 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:42:26 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image

Looks very cool.

This doesn't mean that the V2.5 is being retired does it?


No sir. V2.5 will be here to stay. :)

Online CommonCurt

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #84 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:46:33 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image

Looks very cool.

This doesn't mean that the V2.5 is being retired does it?


No sir. V2.5 will be here to stay. :)
Okay cool
Some of my Keyboards -->
More
OTD Koala:  lubed 62g Old MX-Blacks    |    KMAC2:  lubed 62g Tactile MX-Greys    |    LZ-CLS    |    X60:  lubed 62g Vintage MX-Blacks    |    GON NerD 60:  lubed 62g Old MX-Clears    |    LZ-FE    |    Filco MJ2 TKL's:  lubed 62g MX-Clears  &  lubed  62g Vintage MX-Blacks    |    IBM '91 SSK
                                
       
WTB/WTS ---->
More

Offline Sifo

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #85 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:50:11 »
ill take 1. just one though
(Forever) Illustrious.

Offline xZ3ROx

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #86 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 17:10:59 »
Oh hot dang!!!


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Offline zimo

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #87 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 18:00:10 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


I just wondered if I had the chance to get it ;)

Offline ashwinv11

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #88 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 23:13:29 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


Awesome stuff bro!!



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Offline Mr_BeastQuake

  • Posts: 304
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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #89 on: Sun, 18 June 2017, 23:21:51 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.

Excited to see how it turns out, cliffhangers are everywhere. The caps certainly add a visual aspect to the story, but I wonder with how many talented artists there are on GH if it's possible at some point to get some kind of additional graphic element to the story.

Offline kenmai9

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #90 on: Mon, 19 June 2017, 11:45:14 »
nice merutz!! n bro

Offline Minnie2

  • * Destiny Supporter
  • Posts: 116
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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #91 on: Mon, 03 July 2017, 05:47:53 »
i wanna take 1. in 2017 Y
    A Bro Caps Fan

Just wanted to make sure everyone sees that information. A lot of people missed it ;)

Offline RELLIK

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Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #92 on: Mon, 17 July 2017, 15:38:14 »
My mind cant help thinking ahead, but dat V3 with purple eyes on Decepticon set (assuming it comes out) would be so nice.



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Offline doriswawu

  • Posts: 8
  • New to artisan world :)
Re: B.R.O. Story discussion
« Reply #93 on: Wed, 18 October 2017, 10:43:07 »
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.


I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...

Vindicator Unit (V3):

Show Image


this looks pretty good!! that shape is in a verry right angle!