Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:18:45
B.R.O. Issue #1
More
The year is 2141.
Our planet has been at peace for over a century. This has been largely in part due to the Unification Accord between the world’s superpowers. After a century long struggle to bring the war on terror to an end, there now can be peace. Under the Unification Accord, the world leaders have formed a peace-keeping initiative. Maintaining a minimal military presence in member countries in the form of specialized groups, ensures stability. One such group, B.R.O. (Battle Response Offensive), has been monitoring threats not only across our planet, but outside of our own galaxy.
We have made major advancements in the exploration of space. Sending probes to the farthest reaches of our galaxy. With the goal of setting up early warning systems from catastrophic threats, we created a network of defensive satellites, as well as probes on planets capable of supporting life. Our search for intelligent life has been unfruitful, even with our bounding leaps in technology, extending our ability to scan planets in neighboring galaxies. The years of sending out radio waves and transmitting information light years away has gone completely unnoticed… until today.
Our planetary defenses never picked up on the threat. It was like a shadow creeping into the atmosphere, darkening the sky. We scrambled to meet the threat head-on, but our first line of defense, Guardian Battalion, was obliterated. Their armor ripped to shreds by the invading forces weaponry.
In my 22 years of military service, I never thought there would come a day when I would be helpless to protect the people of this planet. For now, there is no time to reflect on the matter. We must try to re-establish communications with the remaining coalition forces.
The last video feed from our surveillance in Los Angeles showed a number of invading forces destroying any resistance. It wasn’t clear as to what their intentions were beyond this. The only communications were coming in via Morse code, informing us that nuclear power plants and military bases were under siege and overrun. Casualties are rising by the thousands.
With our main forces down and no way of communicating, I can only put my chips down on one last bet...
Los Angeles Outskirts - 1400 hours
Peering at the chaos from the shadows, we assessed the threat to be of alien origin. This technology is beyond our comprehension. The devastation wrought by their forces is unlike anything we have faced.
Communications are out, save for the comm links with other Reaper Squadron members. We have split up and spread out in order to obtain as much information as possible, while remaining undetected by the enemy. They have deployed ground units that are doing some sort of scanning, covering large amounts of ground rapidly.
The streets are littered with bodies, and the foul stench of death pierces the night sky. The city is burning, and the sound of screams have silenced. The drones emit an eerie mechanical whine as they move in their search. We are not certain how close we can get without being detected, but we need to move on and attempt to try and gather more data on these drones, and possibly disable one.
An opportunity presents itself as a drone moves towards our location. We set up for an attack from multiple positions, so as not to be singled out. As the rest of the squad moves into position, we prepare to fire. It’s mechanical hum becomes louder, even felt in the ground. I signal to the squad, and we unleash hell upon the drone. As the pulses from our energy rifles impact with the drone, it responds with an immediate volley of projectiles all around us. We hear a sharp cry in pain over our comm links. Lt. Leecham’s vitals fade from our scanners.
We quickly scramble to new positions and engage our stealth systems. The drone moves on our positions, scanning rapidly. It’s hull is torn open in several areas, billowing smoke as it moves. The damage seems to be considerable, but does not stop its search. Our stealth systems seem to be effective against the drone… for the time being. It begins to move towards Lt. Leecham’s position hastily. I can’t let it take Leecham, but we risk losing more of our team if we reveal our locations. As we begin to move towards the drone in hopes of coming up with a plan to retrieve him, we hear the hums of more drones approaching...
B.R.O. Issue #2 - Invasion: Part II
More
Assessing The Damage
The dreadful silence of a once bustling metropolis takes hold of Los Angeles. Only the sound of fire crackling and the hum of the drones scouring the city remain. Those that resisted capture, were swiftly dispatched by the drones. The survivors were huddled into large shuttles by the thousands, then flown to larger spacecraft. What fate awaits them is still unknown. The last known reports revealed the true scope of the siege; the majority of the north and south American continents have been enveloped by the invading forces. Hope for our survival is quickly diminishing.
While the state of Reaper Squadron is still unknown, the rest of B.R.O. forces have been decimated. The drones have salvaged some of the Defender class units, even managing to take control of a few for their own purposes. Our own defenses turned against us. Mangled husks are all that remain of the rest.
The invading forces have adapted to our power grids, and drones have begun accumulating energy to supply their ships. The corrupted Defender units clear away rubble, searching for survivors and retrieve them for transportation back to the invaders ships. The sight of the defenders that once protected us from harm, now serving the enemy, is unbearable to witness.
In the wake of the devastation, there lies a small glimmer of hope in the form of a faded beacon. A crackling voice emits from one of the downed Defender units comm systems…
*We have suffered heavy casualties… if you can hear this… please respond…*
*We have captured an enemy drone… we need an extract to our location for transport… please respond…*
The communication from one of the Reaper Squad members comes through, but there is no response....
To be continued in Part III
The dreadful silence of a once bustling metropolis takes hold of Los Angeles. Only the sound of fire crackling and the hum of the drones scouring the city remain. Those that resisted capture, were swiftly dispatched by the drones. The survivors were huddled into large shuttles by the thousands, then flown to larger spacecraft. What fate awaits them is still unknown. The last known reports revealed the true scope of the siege; the majority of the north and south American continents have been enveloped by the invading forces. Hope for our survival is quickly diminishing.
While the state of Reaper Squadron is still unknown, the rest of B.R.O. forces have been decimated. The drones have salvaged some of the Defender class units, even managing to take control of a few for their own purposes. Our own defenses turned against us. Mangled husks are all that remain of the rest.
The invading forces have adapted to our power grids, and drones have begun accumulating energy to supply their ships. The corrupted Defender units clear away rubble, searching for survivors and retrieve them for transportation back to the invaders ships. The sight of the defenders that once protected us from harm, now serving the enemy, is unbearable to witness.
In the wake of the devastation, there lies a small glimmer of hope in the form of a faded beacon. A crackling voice emits from one of the downed Defender units comm systems…
*We have suffered heavy casualties… if you can hear this… please respond…*
*We have captured an enemy drone… we need an extract to our location for transport… please respond…*
The communication from one of the Reaper Squad members comes through, but there is no response....
To be continued in Part III
(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:18:55
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:19:00
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:19:04
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:19:08
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:19:12
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:19:18
Post by: CommonCurt on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:21:29
Post by: Incredigasmic on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:21:32
Post by: dohbot on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:21:52
Post by: pr0ximity on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:22:30
(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
Post by: tokidokijake on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:22:50
Post by: Lokomotivet on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:30:39
Post by: scubaste on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:32:48
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:33:00
Lt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum) :P
Post by: romevi on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:33:16
Lt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
What other stuff has he been in?
Post by: pr0ximity on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:38:22
That was the jokeLt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum)
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:40:47
That was the jokeLt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)
(http://i.imgur.com/vgq9ozI.jpg)
Post by: -musubi on Tue, 15 March 2016, 14:43:10
Post by: FoC_Tow on Tue, 15 March 2016, 15:03:50
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
;_____;
Post by: Fire Brand on Tue, 15 March 2016, 15:05:26
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.Yeah he did say that in slacks
Also is it just me or does it look like the brobot is now megatron :))
Post by: Michael on Tue, 15 March 2016, 15:06:13
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
Post by: dgneo on Tue, 15 March 2016, 15:07:06
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
Ooooh I dig this idea :thumb:
Post by: OTD on Tue, 15 March 2016, 15:23:33
Pending sneak peek I hope.Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
Post by: JaccoW on Tue, 15 March 2016, 16:31:59
Post by: scubaste on Tue, 15 March 2016, 16:50:22
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
Ohhh sweet, I look forward to seeing how this process plays out. :thumb:
Maybe the intelligent life they will find next is a civilization of highly evolved space ribbits. Fingers crossed! :))
Post by: ArnavM on Tue, 15 March 2016, 17:09:08
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
Distinguished Master Brobot?
Post by: Telephasic on Tue, 15 March 2016, 17:23:36
Post by: DAVYtm on Tue, 15 March 2016, 17:23:38
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
Really like this, will help make every cap feel individual/unique :)
Post by: GenKaan on Tue, 15 March 2016, 17:24:07
I hope the v3's come with out bullet holes tho :)
Post by: UsualSuspectXXX on Tue, 15 March 2016, 19:46:51
Pretty sure bro said there won't be a brobot v3.
The version system is going away. Instead, there will be specific classes of characters, similar to a military rank system.
So your saying LOTS of new BroBots?! I love this idea :thumb:
Post by: LXXXIX on Tue, 15 March 2016, 19:49:31
I really like the first issue though. I hope to see a little more narrative and dialog with the next one. The first one really created the setting and the tone for what's to follow. Maybe the next issue will be a little more about the "aliens" perceptive? I'd like to see what their motive is.
Keep it up Bro! :thumb:
Post by: Badwrench on Tue, 15 March 2016, 20:11:41
I sure hope so!
(http://i.imgur.com/wUuJFXj.jpg)
(http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/kymt/images/9/9d/Starscream_by_NightyIcons.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20141111094356)
Post by: LXXXIX on Tue, 15 March 2016, 20:13:05
Is it just me, or do I see a little starscream in the there :-X
I sure hope so!Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/wUuJFXj.jpg)Show Image(http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/kymt/images/9/9d/Starscream_by_NightyIcons.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20141111094356)
I never noticed that. That makes a lot of sense now.
Post by: Telephasic on Tue, 15 March 2016, 20:15:29
Post by: tchevass on Tue, 15 March 2016, 20:59:02
Post by: BaconEggandCheeseBagel on Tue, 15 March 2016, 21:05:41
I enjoyed the first story a lot! That being said, there are definitely some things syntactically that I'd adjust to make the story flow a bit better and more in line with the train-of-thoughtish narrative voice it seems like you are going after. If you'd like someone to proof read over the next chapter and/or offer advice, don't hesitate to reach out to me!
Post by: ploooopp on Tue, 15 March 2016, 23:42:06
Post by: romevi on Tue, 15 March 2016, 23:46:38
Post by: Scgmdx2 on Wed, 16 March 2016, 00:08:54
Post by: Glenmael on Wed, 16 March 2016, 00:57:25
Post by: Bevo on Wed, 16 March 2016, 04:15:14
Post by: Frizer on Wed, 16 March 2016, 11:14:35
Post by: Michael on Wed, 16 March 2016, 12:21:44
I like the concept of the universe you are populating with your characters. I'm not sure if you are telling a story or just painting a picture though because you flip between the two. If you want to tell a story then just get inside the character's head and tell it from their point of view. There is a lot of "we" which reads odd. But maybe this is a "hive mind" outfit you're trying to describe? It's not clear though. I don't know if a stench can pierce the sky? It can fill/hang in/permeate the air maybe?
These are very good points. I had struggled with this going into it. I am clearly amateur in my story telling, but I hope to learn along the way, both from experience and feedback. I am hoping to build on this for the next part in the series.
Post by: UsualSuspectXXX on Wed, 16 March 2016, 21:37:04
I like the concept of the universe you are populating with your characters. I'm not sure if you are telling a story or just painting a picture though because you flip between the two. If you want to tell a story then just get inside the character's head and tell it from their point of view. There is a lot of "we" which reads odd. But maybe this is a "hive mind" outfit you're trying to describe? It's not clear though. I don't know if a stench can pierce the sky? It can fill/hang in/permeate the air maybe?
These are very good points. I had struggled with this going into it. I am clearly amateur in my story telling, but I hope to learn along the way, both from experience and feedback. I am hoping to build on this for the next part in the series.
Can't wait to hear the next installment. Keep it up man!
Post by: LXXXIX on Wed, 16 March 2016, 21:39:31
Just a thought.
Post by: BaconEggandCheeseBagel on Wed, 16 March 2016, 22:55:29
I like the concept of the universe you are populating with your characters. I'm not sure if you are telling a story or just painting a picture though because you flip between the two. If you want to tell a story then just get inside the character's head and tell it from their point of view. There is a lot of "we" which reads odd. But maybe this is a "hive mind" outfit you're trying to describe? It's not clear though. I don't know if a stench can pierce the sky? It can fill/hang in/permeate the air maybe?
These are very good points. I had struggled with this going into it. I am clearly amateur in my story telling, but I hope to learn along the way, both from experience and feedback. I am hoping to build on this for the next part in the series.
Yeah Frizer hit on the points I was trying to imply in my previous post. You have some strong narratives but with multiple narrators that lack a true cohesion throughout it. This causes the reader to get lost amongst the differing voices and actually impedes the story's momentum.
I do think "pierced" the air is perfectly appropriate, it's a nice piece of artistic (literary) liberty and is an acceptable (somewhat common) turn of phrase.
Post by: toxicdrift on Wed, 16 March 2016, 23:19:31
Post by: Michael on Wed, 16 March 2016, 23:35:29
I like the concept of the universe you are populating with your characters. I'm not sure if you are telling a story or just painting a picture though because you flip between the two. If you want to tell a story then just get inside the character's head and tell it from their point of view. There is a lot of "we" which reads odd. But maybe this is a "hive mind" outfit you're trying to describe? It's not clear though. I don't know if a stench can pierce the sky? It can fill/hang in/permeate the air maybe?
These are very good points. I had struggled with this going into it. I am clearly amateur in my story telling, but I hope to learn along the way, both from experience and feedback. I am hoping to build on this for the next part in the series.
Yeah Frizer hit on the points I was trying to imply in my previous post. You have some strong narratives but with multiple narrators that lack a true cohesion throughout it. This causes the reader to get lost amongst the differing voices and actually impedes the story's momentum.
I do think "pierced" the air is perfectly appropriate, it's a nice piece of artistic (literary) liberty and is an acceptable (somewhat common) turn of phrase.
Yeah, I am thinking I maybe should have introduced the narrator as a specific character role in the story along the way, so when it cuts to them, it doesn't throw the reader off balance. Appreciate the feedback :)
Post by: BaconEggandCheeseBagel on Wed, 16 March 2016, 23:53:31
With writing, it's always difficult to understand feedback without seeing it in action. I hope you don't take any offense to me doing it. My style is completely subjective and not at all meant to be the "right" way, but I think it might be able to help guide you or at least let you step back and re-read your story with a critical eye.
Regardless, I do think this is a great idea. It adds some depth to your pieces and meaning to the purchasers. Well that and its just plain fun!
I will say one last thing after attempting this - I think the most important thing will be deciding how you want to approach the main characters voice. That is, should it be stream of thought? If so should there be another omnipotent/removed narrator describing the in-betweens, or should all of it be written in the passive voice and just have him intersperse his recall of the events?
--------
Here's my edits:
The year is 2141.
The planet has been at peace for over a century, in part, due to the Unification Accord between the world’s superpowers.
In the wake of a century long war on terror, the Accord would inevitably pave the way to the B.R.O. Born out of the Accord’s peace-keeping initiative, the Battle Response Offensive represented one of the many specialized groups tasked with preserving planetary peace, though for the B.R.O. their task extended - some would say - a bit further. You see, like other outfits assembled under the keeping initiative, the B.R.O monitored threats across each continent. Unlike the others, however, they also had their eyes turned to the stars - surveilling the milky way for something (if anything) far worse…
Understanding the latter task, also requires an understanding of the technological and societal progress eschewed by a century of innovation. Probes no longer puttered out on the edges of our solar system. Hell, Voyager seemed like an RC car - major advancements in the exploration of space made intragalatic *and* intergalactic distances conquerable. On the tails of these probes an even greater defense network was established. On edges of our galaxy laid an immense and magnificent network of defensive satellites, invisible to the naked eye and perhaps all telescopes but Mira, this engineering feat was only topped by what it sought to protect. Behind this intricate weave of defense satellites were vast expanses of nothingness peppered with formally inhospitable planets whose toxic atmospheres had been transformed by fleets of terraforming probes. Planets once void now teemed with life.
And while Humanity had accomplished so much in this regard, our search for intelligent life had been and has remained unfruitful. The years of sending out radio waves, transmitting information light years away seemed to just… well… go unnoticed. Until today.
The planetary defenses missed it. Like a plume of smoke that haphazardly crept into the sky, it went unnotice until the hues had shifted to a deep, rich, black slowly taking on ballast until it plummeted back down to the earth’s surface. Back down to us. Their weaponary, whoever they were, was merciless. Guardian Battalion’s armor, now all but papermache, was a testament to that.
So I did what I’ve always done in my 22 years of military service: I hit them head on.
There isn’t time to reflect on the matter. I’ve got to re-establish communications with the remaining initiative forces. The last video feed from our surveillance in Los Angeles showed the invaders destroying any resistance with ease. Yet, I still don’t understand what their intentions could be? To kill - without reason? That’s something 20th century Humans would do.
I’ve been receiving some comms but they’re in Morse code - strategic nuclear power plants and military bases formerly under siege have fallen. Casualties are increasing by the thousands.
I wouldn’t call myself a gambler, but I’ve got no reinforcements and, even if I did, I’ve got no comms. So I’m putting my chips down on one last bet…
Post by: meow a cat on Sun, 20 March 2016, 10:56:40
I don't want to seem insulting because I don't mean to be, but you might want to touch up on your English skills a bit, or maybe find a skilled editor? It's fine for the most part, but grammar issues throw the reader out of the story.
"We have made major advancements in the exploration of space. Sending probes to the farthest reaches of our galaxy." Bolded part is a sentence fragment, it has no subject. It would be better to turn it into a compound or complex sentence.
Something like "We have made major advancements in the realm of space exploration, and we now have the capability to send probes to the farthest reaches of our galaxy." would flow better.
"We scrambled to meet the threat head-on, but our first line of defense, Guardian Battalion, was obliterated. Their armor ripped to shreds by the invading forces weaponry." This just seems awkward to me, not sure why. A full stop doesn't feel right, so I think it would read better as a compound or complex sentence.
When I have more time, I can look over it some more if you'd like, and tell you if anything else stands out to me.
Gotta say, I love what you're doing Bro, and I think this is an excellent idea. I'm excited to read the next issue!
Post by: dohbot on Tue, 22 March 2016, 21:09:09
Post by: romevi on Tue, 22 March 2016, 22:49:28
What rank will bronads be?
Cannonballs.
Post by: Rodgaroon on Fri, 01 April 2016, 01:46:21
That was the jokeLt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/vgq9ozI.jpg)
I LOLed way to hard.
Post by: pr0ximity on Fri, 01 April 2016, 05:19:06
i cri evrytiemThat was the jokeLt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/vgq9ozI.jpg)
I LOLed way to hard.
Post by: rowdy on Fri, 01 April 2016, 05:31:35
i cri evrytiemThat was the jokeLt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/vgq9ozI.jpg)
I LOLed way to hard.
Just remember that's a real person out there somewhere with real feelings.
Post by: pr0ximity on Fri, 01 April 2016, 05:40:34
(http://www.upliftt.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/not-sure-if-fry-685x325.jpg)i cri evrytiemThat was the jokeLt. LeechamShow Image(http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2015/02/23/23-meechum-house-of-cards.w750.h560.2x.jpg)
'Meechum' (http://house-of-cards.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Meechum)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji14.png)Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/vgq9ozI.jpg)
I LOLed way to hard.
Just remember that's a real person out there somewhere with real feelings.
Post by: Fictiouz on Wed, 06 April 2016, 07:11:33
What rank will bronads be?
They would be Privates.
Post by: funderburker on Wed, 06 April 2016, 07:19:17
ZING!What rank will bronads be?
They would be Privates.
Post by: rowdy on Wed, 06 April 2016, 21:43:35
What rank will bronads be?
They would be Privates.
From the family Parts.
Post by: Michael on Sat, 15 October 2016, 20:38:28
Post by: Mr_BeastQuake on Sat, 15 October 2016, 20:46:43
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)
I must admit, the story holds my attention and the cliff hanger endings are good.
I must know, in Part I there is first person speech but in Part 2 there isn't. It's said the forces in LA were decimated. Is our nameless hero/heroine dead??
Post by: Vigrith on Sat, 15 October 2016, 20:48:44
Post by: Michael on Sat, 15 October 2016, 21:12:06
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)
I must admit, the story holds my attention and the cliff hanger endings are good.
I must know, in Part I there is first person speech but in Part 2 there isn't. It's said the forces in LA were decimated. Is our nameless hero/heroine dead??
So the nameless hero is actually a part of the Reaper Squadron, and part II is an accounting of the situation from outside of the group. I am still working
out a way to re-write part one that makes more sense in that regard. :)
Post by: Michael on Sat, 15 October 2016, 21:12:16
Loving the new storyline and the caps are amazing, war-torn is a great theme and I'm glad you delved into it!
Thank you! :)
Post by: Mr_BeastQuake on Sat, 15 October 2016, 22:39:21
Updated with Part II in the OP. Would like to hear your feedback :)
I must admit, the story holds my attention and the cliff hanger endings are good.
I must know, in Part I there is first person speech but in Part 2 there isn't. It's said the forces in LA were decimated. Is our nameless hero/heroine dead??
So the nameless hero is actually a part of the Reaper Squadron, and part II is an accounting of the situation from outside of the group. I am still working
out a way to re-write part one that makes more sense in that regard. :)
Ah! I actually thought that could be the case, I don't think it's far off from being easy to place into context. It should be acknowledged, the level of difficulty associated with telling a story via keycaps and words, especially with the degree of detail you are providing. I think you're doing a great job. :thumb:
Post by: UsualSuspectXXX on Sat, 15 October 2016, 22:45:09
Post by: Michael on Sat, 15 October 2016, 22:52:45
Love the new installment of the B.R.O. story! I always enjoy your work, regardless of the medium :thumb:
Ah! I actually thought that could be the case, I don't think it's far off from being easy to place into context. It should be acknowledged, the level of difficulty associated with telling a story via keycaps and words, especially with the degree of detail you are providing. I think you're doing a great job. :thumb:
Thanks guys, appreciate it :)
Post by: Gatix on Sun, 16 October 2016, 01:06:14
Post by: Belfong on Sun, 16 October 2016, 02:46:31
Just wondering.. What does B.R.O. stands for?It's written in Issue #1 - Battle Response Offensive.
Post by: rowdy on Sun, 16 October 2016, 20:53:13
Post by: noobas4urus on Sun, 16 October 2016, 21:18:20
So the nameless hero is actually a part of the Reaper Squadron, and part II is an accounting of the situation from outside of the group. I am still working out a way to re-write part one that makes more sense in that regard. :)
A few thoughts on Part I. It seems split and could have better cohesion. I think you need to set the stage with a better narrative initially and then zoom in on the B.R.O. force.
The year is 2141.
-Go into straight narrative, talk about humanity, the state of earth, the invasion. Avoid pronouns (We, I, me) in this part and avoid words like our too. Say things like "Earth has been at peace for over a century." and "Humanity's search for intelligent life has been unfruitful, even with our bounding leaps in technology, extending our ability to scan planets in neighboring galaxies."
This will paint a strong picture that earth and humanity are together and one entity, a focal point of the story. It sets the stage for Earth vs. The Invaders.
Los Angeles Outskirts - 1400 hours
-Make this like a diary entry/confession of the Reaper Squadron soldier. For the first sentence, I'd suggest you to use this paragraph, "In my 22 years of military service, I never thought there would come a day when I would be helpless to protect the people of this planet. For now, there is no time to reflect on the matter. We must try to re-establish communications with the remaining coalition forces." Then build on that with heavy pronoun use--I (the soldier), we, us, our (humans, B.R.O., the government)--as the hero tells his story and where he is at now. This will make zoom in on the front lines of the conflict of the Humans vs. Invaders that was painted in the starting narrative.
Part II: It seems like you're going for straight narrative here again which works as you're building suspense by teasing that Reaper agents are out there. This being the case, you need to decide if you're telling the story from a human's point of view, or just narrating it. If you're not telling if from a human's point of view, I'd edit the "Our own defenses turned against us" into "Humanity's defenses turned against them". Go through and replace the "our"s and "us"es with nouns and see how it changes the feel of the story.
tl;dr - I think if you did some organizational tweaking to Part I it would set the stage better. Part II is very solid, I'd change over the pronouns and tell the story from a non-human POV for maximum impact.
Looking forward to Part III, I hope there is more enemy stuff. The drone has a heavy H.R. Giger feel, so choice.
Post by: Michael on Sun, 18 June 2017, 04:09:19
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):
(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
Post by: Auxo on Sun, 18 June 2017, 04:13:16
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
:')
Post by: infiniti on Sun, 18 June 2017, 04:43:58
Post by: heedpantsnow on Sun, 18 June 2017, 07:20:17
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
So sharp and clean. Nice, Bro.
Post by: Minnie2 on Sun, 18 June 2017, 08:04:35
Post by: bubs on Sun, 18 June 2017, 10:23:08
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.What a great looking cap
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
Post by: UsualSuspectXXX on Sun, 18 June 2017, 10:40:41
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
Digging the new design Bro!
Post by: OneNightFriend on Sun, 18 June 2017, 10:48:32
Post by: yinzer on Sun, 18 June 2017, 13:22:00
More
(http://i.imgur.com/CviUONw.jpg)
I dig it. Looking forward to the new story!
Post by: ramnes on Sun, 18 June 2017, 13:38:17
Really looking forward to what's next. :)
Post by: CommonCurt on Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:34:15
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.Looks very cool.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
This doesn't mean that the V2.5 is being retired does it?
Post by: Michael on Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:42:26
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.Looks very cool.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
This doesn't mean that the V2.5 is being retired does it?
No sir. V2.5 will be here to stay. :)
Post by: CommonCurt on Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:46:33
Okay coolBumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.Looks very cool.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
This doesn't mean that the V2.5 is being retired does it?
No sir. V2.5 will be here to stay. :)
Post by: Sifo on Sun, 18 June 2017, 14:50:11
Post by: xZ3ROx on Sun, 18 June 2017, 17:10:59
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: zimo on Sun, 18 June 2017, 18:00:10
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
I just wondered if I had the chance to get it ;)
Post by: ashwinv11 on Sun, 18 June 2017, 23:13:29
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
Awesome stuff bro!!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: Mr_BeastQuake on Sun, 18 June 2017, 23:21:51
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
Excited to see how it turns out, cliffhangers are everywhere. The caps certainly add a visual aspect to the story, but I wonder with how many talented artists there are on GH if it's possible at some point to get some kind of additional graphic element to the story.
Post by: kenmai9 on Mon, 19 June 2017, 11:45:14
Post by: Minnie2 on Mon, 03 July 2017, 05:47:53
Post by: RELLIK on Mon, 17 July 2017, 15:38:14
Post by: doriswawu on Wed, 18 October 2017, 10:43:07
Bumping this because I wanted to announce that a friend has stepped up to take over the writing on the storyline. That fine lad would be merutz - definitely creative and thoughtful, and couldn't have find a better pick.
I also wanted to post a little teaser.... just a little one...
Vindicator Unit (V3):Show Image(http://i.imgur.com/dYo1OyM.jpg)
this looks pretty good!! that shape is in a verry right angle!