Going a little crazy and Needing a Friend right now...

[Voixdelion]

Hey,

I am having a really **** morning and need some support from anyone who can give it.  I don't even know how to express how stupid I feel - I suspect that once again I have deluded myself in choosing a partner.  Every time I end up disappointed, and now I think I can't tell whether I'm selling myself short or expecting too much.  All I do know is that I am really confused and frustrated at this very moment and I'm just desperate to feel understood and valued.  

Maybe I've just made the mistake of letting him get into my head again.  I'm very strong but sometimes I need someone else to be.  RIght now I feel very lonely and defeated.  I'm just at a total loss of what to do now.  Usually when I've needed it most even a word to God will help, but today I feel like even He isn't listening.  

Maybe its just that I'm overreacting because I'm tired?  I've been working on this apartment with my boyfriend - and I really hate calling him that since I'm going to be 38 in August, its been 10 years and Iln beginning to think I may spend the rest of my good years waiting for him to grow up - painting and cleaning it and doing repairs for it to be inspected and shown to potential renters.  We were supposed to be done last week and paid but Chad and I are not working well together on this project and now its been days overdue and I've been struggling to complete it by myself staying there all hours and he's being a brat and ****ing off instead of helping me because he's a passive aggressive little ****head who feels threatened because I'm not only smarter than him but butcher and just as handy.  I don't know  if  really even mean that but I'm ****ing pissed off  right now.


I've got several people waiting on money from me  (for keyboards of course) and this check needed to be cashed days ago for that and bills et al but it isn't yet forthcoming since I can't finish the ****ing job alone.  Is there any reason I ought not bash him in the head with a shovel while he sleeps?  

 Maybe I should go back to smoking pot and dancing naked for a living.  At least when I was doing that I got to meet Sting.  I really need the will to go finish this job as best I can right now but him just sitting there in the other room is making that really difficult.  I need to get past hating his guts and focus on finishing the job but I have no friends out here that I would otherwise turn to in such a position.  That leaves me with you guys to vent all this poison to before I do something I might regret.  

I',m at a total loss as to what to do.

advice?  words of encouragement?  Ive tried talking begging screaming crying and prayer  -  I've never wanted to hurt someone at the same time as being so desperate for a kind gesture from them as I do now.  I/m really afraid that his being such a petty bastard is wearing down my tolerance for bull****.  Why are my relationships always so painful?  I never have this problem with my friends but none of them are nearby now.  Guess hes not going to be happy until I hate his guts.

So be it.  I gotta go to work now and look like a total ******* when the job sTILL isn't finished.  catch ya later folks.  {'m gonna do my damndest to get paid by noon but I;m not optimistic.  Pray for a miracle for me - or that something falls on me and puts me out my misery anyway.  If the latter there will some clicky Alps boards that will have to find new buyers. if that's any motivation to work some mercy killing mojo.  I really hate being this bitter and angry

[chimera15]

Wow, yer a girl? Yer my age, where are you? lol

[hyperlinked]

I'd like to have something useful to say, but I think the most I can say is that I read this and I hear that you're frustrated that it seems like depsite your best efforts, you aren't getting rewarded as you should. How crazy is it that you can take a different path each time and somehow end up at the same crossing you found yourself at last time. I was so disgruntled with women I was dating that I told the last girl I went out with that I had low expectations of our date becoming anything. It was taking so much time and energy and repeated disappointment that I just wanted to move on with my life.

I can laugh about my pessimism because we've been happily married for a couple of years now. Speaking of which, thank goodness you're not married to him. I know too many people who pushed a very flawed person for a ring and are paying for it in spades now.

[hyperlinked]

Wow, yer a girl? Yer my age, where are you? lol

Opportunistic bastard! You just want to meet Sting!

[chimera15]

lol

[microsoft windows]

You can amuse yourself by trolling the forum.

[Pylon]

Jesus.

[microsoft windows]

Oh if people got kicked off for trolling, you'd be gone over 10,000 posts ago...

[Nonmouse]

Yikes.  Hope things get better for ya, Voix.  I recommend hugging your favorite Model M- and if that doesn't make you feel better, bash Chad to death with it.  We've needed someone to test the "bash someone to death with a Model M and you can just wipe off the blood and keep typing" hypothesis for awhile now....

Posting topless pictures of yourself with keyboards on your head is another sure-fire way to make m... errr... you feel better.

[Computer-Lab in Basement]

If you want my advice, don't listen to MS Windows's or Ripster's advice.  Do something that can just completely distract you from this whole thing.  Get away from anything that might possibly make you more angry.  Even though the economy doesn't much support this idea, but what works for alot of people is going for a long drive.  It can help clear your mind.  While driving, think of positive things, things that would make you happy, like running over your boyfriend.  Then go back home and watch movies, just don't watch romances, they will make you depressed to the point you will want to kill yourself.  That is all the advice I could give to you, hope it helps.

[Voixdelion]

lol

Jesus was not of any particular direct help this time.
Thanks all - a smile is just what I needed.  I knew I could count on you guys...

And yes, I am one of the elusive but apparently not mythological women who frequently interacts in online forums.  I had wondered if anyone would figure it out before I gave it away, though.  Its curious that most often the assumption is that I am male but I suppose I do the same thing.  Ripster had me fooled till I did some archive digging, and his posts still read with a feminine voice in my head.

I had wanted to post an off-topic earlier about how very quickly I felt comfortable here but I had wanted to do so before I was unmasked just to see how it might read differently later, but I guess nows as good a time as any for it so I guess I'll do it now before I get back to the apartment and the painting et all that remains to be done...

it will be titled "Just wanted you all to know..."

[Computer-Lab in Basement]

Forget what I said about ignoring Ripster's advice.

[Voixdelion]

Yikes.  Hope things get better for ya, Voix.  I recommend hugging your favorite Model M- and if that doesn't make you feel better, bash Chad to death with it.  We've needed someone to test the "bash someone to death with a Model M and you can just wipe off the blood and keep typing" hypothesis for awhile now....

Posting topless pictures of yourself with keyboards on your head is another sure-fire way to make m... errr... you feel better.

 

Oh trust me, the thought did cross my mind  .... =D

Only I fear HIS head may just be hard enough to meet the challenge!

[Voixdelion]

While driving, think of positive things, things that would make you happy, like running over your boyfriend. .

Yeah, uh.. my anger management class (*Ahem*court mandated) taught me I probably shouldn't do that again.  :redface:

So I did what I would normally do on the phone with a good friend. but most of them are all on the east coast now, and gave a shout out for some help.  It was a little more awkward via text, but at least I had a model M to do it - If I'd typing through tears on my Microsoft wireless craptastic pos I might well have lost all hope!

 Feel better now.  The things that drives me most nuts is when I am screaming to be heard and just get ignored.  That's a button for me and gets me nearly every time.  Working on it though  - sometimes just being acknowledged is validating so thats why I geeked - laughter is the best medicine... and way to delivery.  I am grateful for the kind efforts of all.

[Computer-Lab in Basement]

Oh trust me, the thought did cross my mind  .... =D

This thought?

Posting topless pictures of yourself with keyboards on your head is another sure-fire way to make m... errr... you feel better.

[Computer-Lab in Basement]

I think you already know what you need to do.

Show Image

That is one huge-ass joint man.

[wellington1869]

Wow, yer a girl? Yer my age, where are you? lol

my age too, and she dances naked for a living. and soon to be single. seriously, where are you?

[Voixdelion]

This thought?

I think I already did that on cam4.com  ...  and I think I even got the highest veiwership that day !

[Computer-Lab in Basement]

I think I already did that on cam4.com  ...  and I think I even got the highest veiwership that day !

Those pics wouldn't still be up would they?  Just curious...

[wellington1869]

seriously, geekhack needs an official dancer.

[gr1m]

seriously, geekhack needs an official dancer.

1. Open new tab
2. www.google.com
3. ...
4. Profit

[wellington1869]

1. Open new tab
2. www.google.com
3. ...
4. Profit

yea but we need a dancer who's into keyboards...  but first she needs to dispatch her boyfriend.

[hyperlinked]

seriously, geekhack needs an official dancer.

This will not end well. It never ends the way you think it will.

[TexasFlood]

seriously, geekhack needs an official dancer who's into keyboards...  but first she needs to dispatch her boyfriend.

This will not end well. It never ends the way you think it will.

Fantasies are fine, but sometimes trying to turn them into realities can go very wrong.

[itlnstln]

Dump the bastard.  I did that over a year and a half ago to the last one and have been much happier.

From the ex one to the next one.  That's what I always say.

[ch_123]

Dump the bastard.  I did that over a year and a half ago to the last one and have been much happier.

Good job on dumping your old boyfriend. I'm sure it must have been tough.

*ducks*

[itlnstln]

Good job on dumping your old boyfriend. I'm sure it must have been tough.

*ducks*

Yeah, his nick name was the Irish Sheleighly (IrshShlgly).  When things got ugly, I would call him Small Fry, and I would go to sleep on the couch hugging a big summer sausage.


(****er)

[itlnstln]

Listen to Zooey's She&Him's latest album.

And then marry the leader of a AltPop band.

I love how the still for this video is focused right on her tits.

[hyperlinked]

Yeah, his nick name was the Irish Sheleighly (IrshShlgly).  When things got ugly, I would call him Small Fry, and I would go to sleep on the couch hugging a big summer sausage.

Post of the day!

[quadibloc]

I'm hardly qualified to give you much advice, but I think I can say a few things.

I've been working on this apartment with my boyfriend - and I really hate calling him that since I'm going to be 38 in August, its been 10 years and Iln beginning to think I may spend the rest of my good years waiting for him to grow up - painting and cleaning it and doing repairs for it to be inspected and shown to potential renters.  We were supposed to be done last week and paid but Chad and I are not working well together on this project and now its been days overdue and I've been struggling to complete it by myself staying there all hours and he's being a brat and ****ing off instead of helping me because he's a passive aggressive little ****head who feels threatened because I'm not only smarter than him but butcher and just as handy.  I don't know  if  really even mean that but I'm ****ing pissed off  right now.

Not being there, I can't be sure if you are presenting the situation in a fair way. If he isn't going to work regularly for a paycheck, of course, he doesn't have an excuse.

When you are working 9 to 5, you don't dare to so much around the house that you will be tired and not at your best in the office - and when you get home, you will be tired. So some wives do have to cope with husbands that seem lazy.

But from what you have noted, apparently he is unemployed. And so his self-esteem is crushed. He probably figured you're going to dump him before you got the idea. So the usual way to deal with a man is to coax him and gently reassure his ego. But things have gotten past the stage where you can face doing that.

Maybe I should go back to smoking pot and dancing naked for a living.  At least when I was doing that I got to meet Sting.  I really need the will to go finish this job as best I can right now but him just sitting there in the other room is making that really difficult.  I need to get past hating his guts and focus on finishing the job but I have no friends out here that I would otherwise turn to in such a position.

I assume you wouldn't be saying that if you weren't attractive enough to do that if you wanted to.

You said, though, that you're 38. So that's not going to have much of a future. At around 51, that biological clock will ring, and looks aren't going to be the way you can make it.

I'm 54 and living in another country, and my financial situation is not particularly great at the moment, so I'm not going to talk about wanting you for myself. (I'm also balding and overweight.)

The obvious solution to this mess, besides dumping the guy - I'm not sure if you can avoid that, it would be nice if things weren't so bad that things couldn't be fixed - is getting a day job instead of making money in fits and starts by fixing up real estate. A regular stable career instead of dancing naked for a living.

The trouble is, of course, that the economy tanked and so people have to make their own work in ingenious ways.

[EverythingIBM]

(I'm... overweight).

You want to lose some weight? No problem! Just drop by my house and you can borrow some of my IBMs for weight lifting. I think my old M Pro is the heaviest thing I have.

[wellington1869]

jeez quadibloc, no need to be so honest, remember we cant see you!

[EverythingIBM]

jeez quadibloc, no need to be so honest, remember we cant see you!

When everyone gets older they lose hair. Some more than others. Your cellular cycle decreases and slows down every process pretty much.
When everyone gets older they also are more susceptible to gaining weight... which is why when *I* turn 50, I'm going to be careful with my diet. I get enough exercise though -- so much that the muscles in my legs are getting too thick.

[Voixdelion]

I'm hardly qualified to give you much advice, but I think I can say a few things.



Not being there, I can't be sure if you are presenting the situation in a fair way. If he isn't going to work regularly for a paycheck, of course, he doesn't have an excuse.

When you are working 9 to 5, you don't dare to so much around the house that you will be tired and not at your best in the office - and when you get home, you will be tired. So some wives do have to cope with husbands that seem lazy.

But from what you have noted, apparently he is unemployed. And so his self-esteem is crushed. He probably figured you're going to dump him before you got the idea. So the usual way to deal with a man is to coax him and gently reassure his ego. But things have gotten past the stage where you can face doing that.



I assume you wouldn't be saying that if you weren't attractive enough to do that if you wanted to.

You said, though, that you're 38. So that's not going to have much of a future. At around 51, that biological clock will ring, and looks aren't going to be the way you can make it.

I'm 54 and living in another country, and my financial situation is not particularly great at the moment, so I'm not going to talk about wanting you for myself. (I'm also balding and overweight.)

The obvious solution to this mess, besides dumping the guy - I'm not sure if you can avoid that, it would be nice if things weren't so bad that things couldn't be fixed - is getting a day job instead of making money in fits and starts by fixing up real estate. A regular stable career instead of dancing naked for a living.

The trouble is, of course, that the economy tanked and so people have to make their own work in ingenious ways.

Well, actually the apartment I was referring to is currently work for both of us.  The job was originally just a repaint of the interior for them to be able to rent it out again, but the job has augmented in scope and completion time by a factor of 4, made all the more difficult since the bloody power isn't on which makes running a vacuum difficult.  He is of a different opinion on the importance of the matter in finishing this job in a timely manner, but there is a personal interest on my end since the owner is friend of my father and i would prefer that none of us come out looking like *******s by the time its done.  As of the writing of this post, though, I had been staring at that place for three days straight and feeling like I was no closer to finishing at all than I had been before, while he has been less than helpful and not under the same pressure to perform.   After yesterday though I am about of the same mind since I just can't shampoo carpet without electricity and I can't make an old place look new by cutting corners and half-assed cosmetics.  So **** it, there's only so much I can do.  

At this point, I'm probably gonna just let him do the rest himself and go do some work for my Mom on her place - what I was trying to get this job out of the way so I could do - so I can get PAID and actually pay for the stuff I won on ebay - (Model F pc-at and fk-5001).  Then whenever he does wrap up that job I can pay the balance on the stuff I was trying to purchase from NorthgateKeyboardRepair.  (Chad did feel bad about me not being able to do that so yesterday he did manage to come up with enough cash for me to put down a deposit so he'd hold the stuff for me.)  

My biggest frustration with the BF is that he's not an intellectual, so our problem solving techniques are dissimilar to say the least.  Plus he IS passive-aggressive (much like my mother) which makes it much harder for me to address the problems he has when I can't directly identify them.  Mostly though we have worked out quite a bit in the ten years; it just gets hard for me when I hit a wall and have no where to turn, hence my outburst here.  It helped, and had the desired immediate effect of breaking the focus of hostility towards him I was feeling at the time.  He actually provided the solution to a good part of what was making me most hostile and since it is unreasonable to expect us to do our job without the proper tools I am less concerned with looking bad and more concerned with getting paid so I will move on to the next thing to solve the rest of the issue.

[EverythingIBM]

Well, actually the apartment I was referring to is currently work for both of us.  The job was originally just a repaint of the interior for them to be able to rent it out again, but the job has augmented in scope and completion time by a factor of 4, made all the more difficult since the bloody power isn't on which makes running a vacuum difficult.  He is of a different opinion on the importance of the matter in finishing this job in a timely manner, but there is a personal interest on my end since the owner is friend of my father and i would prefer that none of us come out looking like *******s by the time its done.  As of the writing of this post, though, I had been staring at that place for three days straight and feeling like I was no closer to finishing at all than I had been before, while he has been less than helpful and not under the same pressure to perform.   After yesterday though I am about of the same mind since I just can't shampoo carpet without electricity and I can't make an old place look new by cutting corners and half-assed cosmetics.  So **** it, there's only so much I can do.  

At this point, I'm probably gonna just let him do the rest himself and go do some work for my Mom on her place - what I was trying to get this job out of the way so I could do - so I can get PAID and actually pay for the stuff I won on ebay - (Model F pc-at and fk-5001).  Then whenever he does wrap up that job I can pay the balance on the stuff I was trying to purchase from NorthgateKeyboardRepair.  (Chad did feel bad about me not being able to do that so yesterday he did manage to come up with enough cash for me to put down a deposit so he'd hold the stuff for me.)  

My biggest frustration with the BF is that he's not an intellectual, so our problem solving techniques are dissimilar to say the least.  Plus he IS passive-aggressive (much like my mother) which makes it much harder for me to address the problems he has when I can't directly identify them.  Mostly though we have worked out quite a bit in the ten years; it just gets hard for me when I hit a wall and have no where to turn, hence my outburst here.  It helped, and had the desired immediate effect of breaking the focus of hostility towards him I was feeling at the time.  He actually provided the solution to a good part of what was making me most hostile and since it is unreasonable to expect us to do our job without the proper tools I am less concerned with looking bad and more concerned with getting paid so I will move on to the next thing to solve the rest of the issue.

Not an intellectual?
So I take it he doesn't look like this (computer was donated by MW):


Well, you should try getting a nerd BF, I heard chimera15 was single, lol. He likes keyboards, um, old cartoon anime stuff, keyboards, old computers, keyboards, and Japanese cuisine.

[kishy]

Show Image

Ahaha. Same slot-loading drive type in my Blade 1000, and that's the same case my third computer (P2 350) was in.

[hoggy]

"unreasonable to expect us to do our job without the proper tools"
I think that's spot on.

Try talking to the owner, if the job has become more involved then it's fair that it takes longer.  Maybe they will be happy enough with a few days overrun, or they might settle for a less than perfect finish in one of the rooms so you could come back and finish it while they're in the house.

If that fails and you've only got a couple of days to finish stuff, then only give yourself the two days and only attempt what is humanly possible in that time.

[Oqsy]

I believe Captain Beefheart may have the answer to your dilemma.  Solid album even though it's not reviewed as one of his best.  Probably my favorite...  

hl=en_US&fs=1">

[quadibloc]

jeez quadibloc, no need to be so honest, remember we cant see you!

I am a very private person, thus, there are no photographs of myself on my web site. (In fact, what with all the illustrations being diagrams I drew myself, the human form was not even depicted there at all, until I finally managed to sneak in a drawing of a pretty girl as a link banner for the Girl Genius comic!)

I only mentioned this because it was directly relevant to my reply to the initial post.