geekhack
geekhack Community => Off Topic => Topic started by: quickcrx702 on Fri, 01 March 2013, 01:37:29
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Not sure what it is, but I love jokes that are so bad that they are funny. I'll start with mine.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
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Whats green and has wheels?
Grass...I lied about the Wheels
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A wife is yelling at her husband, screeching, shrieking, etc. The man sighs and says, "You know, you're starting to sound like my ex-wife."
Taken aback, she says, "I ... I didn't know you had a previous marriage!"
He says, "I didn't."
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Not sure what it is, but I love jokes that are so bad that they are funny. I'll start with mine.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
A stick.
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So three blondes walk into a bar.. :v
Youd think one of them would have seen it! 8V
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I rarely tell jokes because I'm more on the wittiness and observational humor. Here are the only jokes I tell.
You want to hear to a good joke? You.
Have you heard the joke about the horse, priest, and lumberjack that walk into a bar? Neither have I.
You want to hear a good joke? So do I.
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Wife: ... here are some pictures when I was younger ...
Husband: you are younger in all your pictures ... show me one where you were older !
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I rarely tell jokes because I'm more on the wittiness and observational humor. Here are the only jokes I tell.
You want to hear to a good joke? You.
Have you heard the joke about the horse, priest, and lumberjack that walk into a bar? Neither have I.
You want to hear a good joke? So do I.
Anti-joke chicken uses GH?!
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Waiter, why is your thumb on my steak?
So it won't fall off the plate again.
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Not sure what it is, but I love jokes that are so bad that they are funny. I'll start with mine.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Momentum.
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I rarely tell jokes because I'm more on the wittiness and observational humor. Here are the only jokes I tell.
You want to hear to a good joke? You.
Have you heard the joke about the horse, priest, and lumberjack that walk into a bar? Neither have I.
You want to hear a good joke? So do I.
Anti-joke chicken uses GH?!
I'm not sure what you mean, but yes. I just have a hard time memorizing any jokes.
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Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt
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What;s the best time of day to go see the dentist?
tooth hurty
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You're soo poor you opened up an email account just so you could eat the spam.
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Ok, a Jewish joke. But it's visual, so try to imagine it.
Q: "Why do Jews have big ears and receding hairlines?"
A: (put hands behind ears, pushing them forward): "How much?"
A: (pull hair back in horror): "HOLY SH!!!T!"
The OP called for 'horrible' and there you have it.
Ok, another:
So there's this guy with a 900 point I.Q. -- he's had elements that he's discovered named after him, he's wealthy beyond imagining, but he's so smart that he can hardly communicate with other people. So he finds a scientist who has developed a machine that can lower a person's I.Q. So the doctor asks how much lower he wants his I.Q. to be, and he settles on 300 -- figuring he would still be incredibly smart, but be able to interface better with carbon-based lifeforms.
So the doctor puts the guy in the I.Q.-reduction chamber, straps him in, and begins the process. Over the chamber there's a big digital readout showing the guy's I.Q. It starts at 900, then drops to 899, a few seconds pass, and it drops to 898, etc. So the doctor watches for a while, and the guys gets down to 600 points, and then the phone rings. It's the scientist's girlfriend, who immediately accuses him of cheating on her.
The scientist takes the call into the next room, and proceeds to have a knock-down, dragout fight with his girlfriend. He's so distracted that it's about two hours later that he realizes he's completely forgotten about his patient. He dashes back into the lab, and the digital readout over the patient's head is at '46' and ticks down to '45'. In a panic, the scientist rips the electrical cable from the wall to stop the machine.
Dragging his patient out of the chamber he slaps him around to wake him.
Scientist: "Sir, are you alright? Are you ok? ARE YOU OK!?"
Patient: (sings) "When Irish eyes are smiling..."
And a third:
A white guy, a Mexican and a Puerto-Rican man are walking down a beach when they discover a bottle in the sand. The Mexican grabs the bottle, opens it and (of course) a genie appears, granting them each a wish. The Mexican wishes that he and his entire family, that all Mexicans in fact, were all back in Mexico together. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. The Puerto Rican wishes that he and his family, and all Puerto Ricans were safe and happy back in Puerto Rico. He vanishes as well. So the genie turns to the white and says, "What's your wish, white guy?" The white guy says, "Now let me get this straight: all the Puerto Ricans are back in Puerto Rico, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico?" The genie nods. "Then I guess I'll have a Coke."
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GirlDC wants $130 for a crummy gundam keycap...
People paid...
:D
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Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
.
.
.
A: He was dead.
Q: Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
.
.
.
A: He was tied to the monkey.
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What's really cheesy?
Cheese.
What's really corny?
Corn.
Why didn't the juggler, juggle?
He didn't have the balls to do it. (Punny eh? :D)
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Q: Why are sharks only found in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Here's a good not so racist joke:
Q: What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? Give up?
A: A pilot you F'ing racist!
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Depending on your outlook that joke could be horrible or ingenious.
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Why didn't the juggler, juggle?
He didn't have the balls to do it.
nice ^-^
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Two symbols and a drum fall down a hill.
Badum tshhhhh
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Why couldn't the Bike stand up?
It was two-tired.
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From my 7-year-old nephew:
Nephew: (points to my knee) -- "Say hi to it."
Me: "Um... 'hi?'"
Nephew: "No! Say 'hi' to whatever it is."
Me: "Hi Knee." (hiney)
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Jake: Did you hear about the goblin who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Mermaids: Uhm.... No...
Jake: That's okay he's all RIGHT now!
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Y did 6 hate 7
because 7 8 9 :))
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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
.
.
.
A bad golfer goes whack.....damn, a bad skydiver goes damn.................whack
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Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch!
Also every knock knock joke ever.
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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
.
.
.
A bad golfer goes whack.....damn, a bad skydiver goes damn.................whack
thought i throw this in with skydiving post =
a parachute is not required to skydive however its required to sskydive twice
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Wife: ... here are some pictures when I was younger ...
Husband: you are younger in all your pictures ... show me one where you were older !
Mitch Hedberg joke ^^
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Every 9 year old's response in Call of Duty to being insulted.
*obligatory Sitcom laugh track
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When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
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If a plane crashes, where do you bury the survivors?
You don't bury survivors
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What did the man say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she got hit by a fridge.
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Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They were making headlines.
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If a plane crashes, where do you bury the survivors?
You don't bury survivors
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I don't get it.
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Why are there no good restaurants on the moon?
No atmosphere.
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What's green and red and spins at 100mph?
Frog in a Blendtec Blender
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I'd participate, but all I have are really, really offensive black jokes :(
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Q: How do you find out if somebody is a vegan?
A: Don't worry, they'll ****ing tell you.
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I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. - Mitch Hedberg
So I heard someone was going around town pickpocketing midgets. I never thought someone could stoop so low.
A man walks into a bar with a backpack. He unzips the pack and takes out a mini piano. He then takes out a 10 inch man. The man begins to play the piano beautifully. The bartender walks up the the man and says "Gee, where did you get the little man?" the guy hands him a magic lamp and says "rub it and make a wish" the bartender rubs it and says "I wish I had a Million Bucks!" POOF a million Ducks come marching into the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says "I think you lamp is broken" the man in return says "Yah. Do you really think i asked for a 10 inch Pianist?"
Two ugly clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off. The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.
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What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a bus.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
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What's black, white, and red all over?
The soccer ball from that UN Land Mine Awareness commercial
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Are racist jokes allowed? I'm guessing no because not everyone is comfortable with each other, so someone might be offended?
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Four ex-presidents went to see the Great and Powerful OZ.
OZ told them that he would grant a wish for each of them.
Richard Nixon said, "A lot of people say that I have no heart."
POOF! "You have one now!" said OZ.
Jimmy Carter said, "There are those who say that I am lacking in courage."
POOF! OZ told him that he would never lack for courage again.
George Bush, Jr, noted that "Many people have told me that I do not have a brain."
POOF! "No worries" said OZ, "you will have what you need."
Bill Clinton was looking all around the room, but not saying anything.
"Well?" asked OZ, "Is there nothing that you would ask of me?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
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Are racist jokes allowed? I'm guessing no because not everyone is comfortable with each other, so someone might be offended?
No one told me.
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I'd suggest against them, personally.
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Bill Clinton was looking all around the room, but not saying anything.
"Well?" asked OZ, "Is there nothing that you would ask of me?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
LOL, ok, in that vein:
So President Clinton wakes up one morning. It's been about 2 weeks since the Monica Lewinsky scandal, but he's still feeling chipper. It had snowed the night before, so he walks up to his bedroom window, throws open the curtains, and there on the smooth expanse of freshly fallen snow the words, "BILL CLINTON SUCKS!" has been written, apparently using urine, in 10-foot high letters. The president is so aggravated and embarrassed by this that he sets the Secret Service out to take samples of the yellow snow and conduct a complete investigation.
By the afternoon they have something to report: "Sir, I'm sad to say that we have a DNA match on the urine." "Who was it?!" the president demands. "Well, eh... it's Al Gore's urine, sir, we're very sorry to report, Mr. President." Bill Clinton falls back in a chair, devastated. "I can't believe Al would do this to me, after everything we've been through. We're friends, after all! We've been--" The agent interrupts the president: "There's more, Mr. President."
"More?" "Our forensics lab confirms that it's Hillary's handwriting."
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Another:
Ok, so there's a teacher in a grade school class, and that day she's covering Native American Indians in American History. After a few minutes of introducing the students to the history of Native Americans, she goes through a few of the various tribes. She then asks, "Do we have any Native Americans in the class? I think we do. If you're a Native American, please stand up and tell us the name of your tribe, and a little bit about it."
So one student stands up, and says:
"I am of the Choctaw tribe. I know this because my father took me out over the fields and valleys, across the rivers and streams; then he took me high into the mountains and together we looked out over the land and he said, 'We're the Choctaw, and this is our land."
The teacher claps delightfully, and then invites another student to stand up.
"I am of the Cherokee tribe. I know this because my father took me deep into the woods, across mighty rivers, finally bringing me to the mountains and together we looked out over the land and he said, "We're the Cherokee, and this is our land."
The teacher claps again, and is ready to continue the lesson when a hand from the back of the class goes up. It's John O'Flanagan. "Teacher, I'm a Native American!" Dubious, she asks, "What tribe, John?" "I'm in the Fuqawi tribe." "Um... ok, John, go ahead." John stands up.
"I am of the Fuqawi tribe. I know this because my father took me into the woods, and we stumbled through thorn bushes for many miles. We became thirsty, tired, and were bitten by insects over and over for hours. Finally we came to a mountain and my father said, "Where the f--- are we?"
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I love this thread.
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Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off a cliff?
She was wearing mittens.
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What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath...
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What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
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king kong went to hong kong and played ping pong and then died. where did they put his body?
...in a coffin
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What's a 'henway'?
...
...
...
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About 2 or 3 pounds.
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WoW flavor:
What's the difference from a 10m Raid pug and a 25m Raid pug? (pick up group)
15 more dumbasses.
A Draenei walks into a bar, the Gnome didn't have to duck.
Hunters are terrible photographers, they're always out of 'focus'.
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If a plane crashes, where do you bury the survivors?
You don't bury survivors
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I don't get it.
even i do. and where are beloved racist jokes? :(
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#1
A black guy, an asian, and a mexican walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the **** out of here."
(from the movie The Departed, can modify the races depending on the audience present ;D)
#2
Your wife and your lawyer are drowning in a pool. You have a choice: go to lunch or go bowling.