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geekhack Community => Off Topic => Topic started by: TheSoulhunter on Sun, 27 July 2014, 06:14:32
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All of a sudden my fiancee left me...
On Friday when I came back from work she told me that in the last week she came to the conclusion that she doesn't love me anymore.
On Saturday she packet all her belongings (we lived together for 2 years) and went to her sister to live there.
We were together for 8 years, and 3 months ago we planed to have a baby next year.
This sucks so hard I can't even get mad. :( :( :(
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All of a sudden my fiancee left me...
On Friday when I came back from work she told me that in the last week she came to the conclusion that she doesn't love me anymore.
On Saturday she packet all her belongings (we lived together for 2 years) and went to her sister.
We were together for 8 years, 3 months ago we planed to have baby next year.
This sucks so hard I can't even get mad. :( :( :(
Oh man I'm so sorry to hear that, we're here for you bud.
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Something is definitely wrong.. she probably had planned this all along for awhile now. Was the communication between you two bad?
I'm pretty sure such a big decision couldn't just be decided overnight.. 8 years is a long time. I'm sorry, but I hope she didn't cheat on you.
Cheer up buddy, try to talk to her about it.
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she came to a conclusion she doesn't love you and then left in less than a week? wtf
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**** man. I know that feel all too well. My fianceé left me before Christmas, and it damn near killed me. I pretty much cried for two days straight, from as soon as I woke up, until I went to sleep.
It sucks. It really does, and as much as it's a cliché, time heals all wounds. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks after, basically telling myself to shake free of being sad and horrible to be around, and I joined the gym and started saving money. It was a small change, but it helped me take my mind off it.
Just take as long as you need to recover (just not too long), and then start pouring your efforts into something like a hobby or your work. That will help distract you, and before you know it, you will feel better without her.
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Was the communication between you two bad?
Perhaps? We are both working fulltime and I'm doing shiftwork, so communication was sorta limited to the weekend.
To me everything seemed fine and I was happy, but it seems she was not...
Cheer up buddy, try to talk to her about it.
I tried, but she told me it was a "now or never" thing,
a final decision, so my hopes are low...
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she came to a conclusion she doesn't love you and then left in less than a week? wtf
Yeah, "WTF" was what I thought...
Even if you come to this conclusion, it's perhaps just a temporarily situation, not worth throwing away 8 years of "good times" that fast, eh?
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She said it was a now or never thing? As in she thought to herself that she could "get out" of the relationship now or never?
I guess she's probably thinking about the fact you planned for kids next year, but I don't know what would change a person's mind in three months from wanting kids to not wanting to be together at all.
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but I don't know what would change a person's mind in three months from wanting kids to not wanting to be together at all.
being a woman
well anyway, i hope you get the real answer and recover from this **** soon
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Wow, all of that sounds a bit rash. Almost like something else must have happened. But trust me, it is better than spending another decade in a relationship where one of both of the partners are not happy.
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**** man. I know that feel all too well. My fianceé left me before Christmas, and it damn near killed me. I pretty much cried for two days straight, from as soon as I woke up, until I went to sleep.
It sucks. It really does, and as much as it's a cliché, time heals all wounds. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks after, basically telling myself to shake free of being sad and horrible to be around, and I joined the gym and started saving money. It was a small change, but it helped me take my mind off it.
Just take as long as you need to recover (just not too long), and then start pouring your efforts into something like a hobby or your work. That will help distract you, and before you know it, you will feel better without her.
Yeah, at first I was just sad, sad and disappointed, now I feel sad and depressive...
I will try to distract myself (work, going out at the weekends) but it will definitely leave a deep scar.
She was not only my fiancee but also my best friend, so it's kind of a double loss hitting really really hard :/
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She said it was a now or never thing? As in she thought to herself that she could "get out" of the relationship now or never?
Yeah, kinda like "I'm still young enough to start over again and have a baby with someone else" :/
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that's some deep **** bro
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I'm sorry to hear what happened. During rough times like these, please remember to practice self-care. You are your first priority. This could be in the form of hobbies, distractions, or even remembering to eat or getting enough sleep. It sounds really obvious, but it's easy to forget.
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I'm sorry to hear what happened. During rough times like these, please remember to practice self-care. You are your first priority.
I totally forgot about this. Don't fall into the mindset that you are worthless because she left you. Her opinion does not matter anymore. You don't have to worry about her when making decisions, and it's all down to you now. Everything you do, do it for you.
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Sucks bro. Hurts now but it probably wasn't meant to be.
If the relationship can't be mended, shed a tear and try to move as fast as possible.
Hoping for a quick recovery to you :/
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Thanks for your support and advice guys!
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<3
Start scouring the internet for your most desired vintage keyboard. That'll sink a lot of time. :)
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<3
Start scouring the internet for your most desired vintage keyboard. That'll sink a lot of time. :)
Or run a GB. :p
But seriously bro, hang in there. It will pan out...it always does. :thumb:
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Much better that it happened before a baby than after.
Trust me on that.
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You might get back together, but I wouldn't go clinging to the possibility of it or pushing for it, if it happens it happens. Otherwise you should be 90% over it in about a year from now.
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I bet your fiancee used a Mac. Find a girl who uses Windows 95 and you'll be satisfied for the rest of your life.
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(http://eemoticons.net/Upload/big%20onion/th_54.gif)
How is this all this happening @ the end of july.. hottest month.. summer is technically mating season..
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the answer always lies with her bff/sister or crowd of friends. she'll probably relay an issue she has and one girlfriend will pipe up and make the issue worse than it is, then the next girlfriend will make it even more worse, it's a horrible cattlecall.
you're not gonna get any answers from her sister, family is usually super protective (like it's your fault) even more compounded since she's living with her sister now, so find the next friend in succession.
this is only if you want "wtf just happened" information.
otherwise move on, i know it sounds harsh, but this is basically leaving you at the altar, she just saved 2 families a lot of money.
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the answer always lies with her bff/sister or crowd of friends. she'll probably relay an issue she has and one girlfriend will pipe up and make the issue worse than it is, then the next girlfriend will make it even more worse, it's a horrible cattlecall.
you're not gonna get any answers from her sister, family is usually super protective (like it's your fault) even more compounded since she's living with her sister now, so find the next friend in succession.
this is only if you want "wtf just happened" information.
otherwise move on, i know it sounds harsh, but this is basically leaving you at the altar, she just saved 2 families a lot of money.
(http://eemoticons.net/Upload/big%20onion/th_98.gif)
There were no signs?
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Much better that it happened before a baby than after.
Trust me on that.
Always be optimistic.
God I can't imagine how to move on with that...
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Hell man, I'm so so sorry to hear that.
As has been said, it's better than it happened now than after you guys had a child together.
I know that's hard to hear.
For what it's worth, the entire Geekhack community is here for you.
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There were no signs?
probably not with this situation, with such limited time spent together b/c of work, weekends are just spent maximizing happy time and just burying any issues, which can also lead to festering and pestering by "the girlfriends". if she has a lot of girlfriends (how large would the bridal party have been?) its even worse, especially when you're planning a wedding and the bride "chooses" her wedding party bridesmaids/maid of honor if those girls are not in a good place in their lives they will just leak their horribleness to all those around them, and then the bride has to "sit down and plan" with these vampires that suck all the happiness out and vomit ill omens and bad vibes.
*note this has not happened to me, i've just seen it affect others and how vile bridesmaids can be.
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There were no signs?
probably not with this situation, with such limited time spent together b/c of work, weekends are just spent maximizing happy time and just burying any issues, which can also lead to festering and pestering by "the girlfriends". if she has a lot of girlfriends (how large would the bridal party have been?) its even worse, especially when you're planning a wedding and the bride "chooses" her wedding party bridesmaids/maid of honor if those girls are not in a good place in their lives they will just leak their horribleness to all those around them, and then the bride has to "sit down and plan" with these vampires that suck all the happiness out and vomit ill omens and bad vibes.
*note this has not happened to me, i've just seen it affect others and how vile bridesmaids can be.
oh ic.... hmmmmm... I've not considered this dynamic... hrmmm... interesting stuff..
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its even worse, especially when you're planning a wedding
For what it's worth, all you young folks out there - I strongly recommend against a large "traditional" wedding.
Take a great private vacation and have a big no-pressure celebration party later.
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its even worse, especially when you're planning a wedding
For what it's worth, all you young folks out there - I strongly recommend against a large "traditional" wedding.
Take a great private vacation and have a big no-pressure celebration party later.
That really just comes down to how rich you are.. a wedding has little to do with getting married, its about Letting OTHERS know you're getting married..
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I don't wanna say she sounds crazy, but I have a lot of experience with the behavior of crazy girls. Sometimes it's difficult to see when you are so close to the source.
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I don't wanna say she sounds crazy, but I have a lot of experience with the behavior of crazy girls. Sometimes it's difficult to see when you are so close to the source.
hmmm... marriage is a procreation contract by design... I'd say someone who decides NOT to jump right in is Less crazy than those who rashly do so..
essentially.. leaving, is the same as saying.. I can get a better price for my genes elsewhere.. Whether she can achieve higher payoff with another male is not an absolute truth... but...... the motivation to swap out a previous partner is always the same..
OP... go make more money, I can guarantee you she'll come crawling back at some point.. assuming you want her..
but see.. her basket of goods can only spoil with time.. All the while, your bank account may grow under vigilance..
Look at it more objectively.. and you won't be so upset by the irrational emotional ties..
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I don't wanna say she sounds crazy, but I have a lot of experience with the behavior of crazy girls. Sometimes it's difficult to see when you are so close to the source.
hmmm... marriage is a procreation contract by design... I'd say someone who decides NOT to jump right in is Less crazy than those who rashly do so..
essentially.. leaving, is the same as saying.. I can get a better price for my genes elsewhere.. Whether she can achieve higher payoff with another male is not an absolute truth... but...... the motivation to swap out a previous partner is always the same..
OP... go make more money, I can guarantee you she'll come crawling back at some point.. assuming you want her..
but see.. her basket of goods can only spoil with time.. All the while, your bank account may grow under vigilance..
Look at it more objectively.. and you won't be so upset by the irrational emotional ties..
Today, on Relationship Advice From a Serial Killer:
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Today, on Relationship Advice From a Serial Killer:
Practically. It's just a misogynistic reinterpretation of the rational choice perspective wherein the male has more power because he provides material goods and genetic material while the female is only good for genetic material, material that has a short half-life.
Not only that, but he deliberately misinterprets marriage as a procreation contract when it can be a moral contract, a financial contract, and even a symbolic contract. Given the modern perspective of marriage, it's more often than not a symbolic or moral contract.
But what else would you expect from tp4tissue?
Back on topic. That totally sucks SoulHunter. I hope you have some close friends who are taking you out tonight and helping you through it. I've never been with someone that long, but I can imagine how rough that would be.
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I don't wanna say she sounds crazy, but I have a lot of experience with the behavior of crazy girls. Sometimes it's difficult to see when you are so close to the source.
hmmm... marriage is a procreation contract by design... I'd say someone who decides NOT to jump right in is Less crazy than those who rashly do so..
essentially.. leaving, is the same as saying.. I can get a better price for my genes elsewhere.. Whether she can achieve higher payoff with another male is not an absolute truth... but...... the motivation to swap out a previous partner is always the same..
OP... go make more money, I can guarantee you she'll come crawling back at some point.. assuming you want her..
but see.. her basket of goods can only spoil with time.. All the while, your bank account may grow under vigilance..
Look at it more objectively.. and you won't be so upset by the irrational emotional ties..
Today, on Relationship Advice From a Serial Killer:
More like relationship advice from a virgin social-outcast.
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Today, on Relationship Advice From a Serial Killer:
Practically. It's just a misogynistic reinterpretation of the rational choice perspective wherein the male has more power because he provides material goods and genetic material while the female is only good for genetic material, material that has a short half-life.
Not only that, but he deliberately misinterprets marriage as a procreation contract when it can be a moral contract, a financial contract, and even a symbolic contract. Given the modern perspective of marriage, it's more often than not a symbolic or moral contract.
But what else would you expect from tp4tissue?
Back on topic. That totally sucks SoulHunter. I hope you have some close friends who are taking you out tonight and helping you through it. I've never been with someone that long, but I can imagine how rough that would be.
Hahahaha... I've never killed anyone.. and am quite squeamish when it comes to blood..
I am not misogynistic.. I look objectively at why people do what they do..
Marriage is absolutely a procreation contract.. the whole point of it, and the reason why it's extremely disadvantageous to the men upon breach of contract, is to affirm the family unit in raising the child..
child of 2 parents are by statistically more economically productive..
so as a society we may not have had social planners in the past who did rigorous record keeping.. but enough evidence over the years have automatically guided social policy towards protection of the nuclear family..
Now other aspects of marriage may exist, but they exist wholly to support the most important task of child rearing..
Tax breaks... setting example of future nuclear families for the Child... dual income in case of job loss.. etc..
When you sit back and ask, what was all this FOR, the answer is quite obvious..
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When you sit back and ask, what was all this FOR, the answer is quite obvious..
Like all human institutions, it’s not “for” anything in any kind of objective/external sense. Or rather, it has whatever meaning(s) we attach to it. Some folks marry for technical reasons like tax breaks or immigration status, some folks marry to raise a child conceived accidentally, some folks marry because they’re young and stupid and it seems like a good idea at the time, some folks marry because they love each other deeply and want to spend their lives together, some folks marry because their religious beliefs demand it, some folks marry just for the experience. Trying to force everyone’s personal reasons into your preconceptions betrays a severe lack of imagination and empathy.
Anyway, TheSoulhunter: that really sucks man. Our hearts go out to you, and we wish you all the best going forward. If you’re ever in the San Francisco area, I’ll buy you a beer and commiserate (or we can just talk about keyboards instead).
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Don't fall into the mindset that you are worthless because she left you. Her opinion does not matter anymore. You don't have to worry about her when making decisions, and it's all down to you now. Everything you do, do it for you.
I don't know how everything is going to turn out, but I want to let you know, you're a great guy.
So, for what it's worth, you have people rooting for you.
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Don't fall into the mindset that you are worthless because she left you. Her opinion does not matter anymore. You don't have to worry about her when making decisions, and it's all down to you now. Everything you do, do it for you.
I don't know how everything is going to turn out, but I want to let you know, you're a great guy.
So, for what it's worth, you have people rooting for you.
I think he was trying to say some encouraging words to the OP, TheSoulhunter. I'm sure Katushkin is a good guy too. :p
All I can say is "This too shall pass". :)
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Don't worry about it, always find another one and move on. Don't ever let one of them take up too much of your time and money because you can always find another that will pick up where she left off (trust me on that).
Remember you're the man, don't start mimicking their behavioural inadequacies because we are not built that way. Too many men have now elected to become "Manginas" and maybe that's were females are now resenting that.
You're the team leader and you call the shots, don't ever back away from that crucial responsibility. Above all else don't end up here and become another sad, lonely keyboard collector like so many.
More than half the population in your country are women hence go and enjoy all of them soon :thumb: .
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Yo, soulhunter add me on Skype. I actually had sort of a similar situation before so maybe I can be helpful.
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I say: deal with the break-up on your own terms, at your own pace, in your own way.
If you have a support network of family/friends/mentors/& al. don’t be afraid to hit them up for support, that’s what friends are for; if you need someone to talk to, I’m glad to help if I can, and I’m sure other folks here are too, so don’t hesitate to ask.
Don’t feel pressured to react in any particular way (the suggestions to “find someone else” or whatever else right away are misguided; if picking someone up at a bar, or going on a bunch of blind dates, or flirting with every girl you meet will make you feel better, go for it, but definitely don’t do those things for someone else’s sake; do the things you want/like to do, not what anyone else tells you).
A long relationship can take a damn long time to get over – for me it took about a year, but now 7 years later it doesn’t ever even cross my mind.
A couple things I do recommend though: (1) to the extent you can, try to keep exercising enough, sleeping enough, getting enough sunshine, and eating healthy, and (2) make sure you get enough real face-to-face conversation in, and not just at work (and finally (3) I’d also really recommend trying to keep a balanced work schedule if you can – I know a couple guys who went through bad breakups and then dove 100% into their work and burned out hard).
Going from spending time with someone all the time to being single can be a big shock and throw off all your routines, and it can be easy to forget the basics. (In my case, there were a few months that were really bad, and I wish I had done a better job of just keeping up with the basic necessities of life.)
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How old are you, Elrick?
49 this year. I'm from the old school hence my philosophies hark back to an ancient time that was less problematic. Now I see this massive confusion between the sexes and their inordinate expectations.
Gore Vidal put it simply, "Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn."
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Sorry to hear that. Similar situation happened to me. But there were other plans on the works from On High and everything is good now with a much better woman. Hope the same happens for you.
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Damn son, that sucks to hear. Hope you'll be alright soon. Really sorry to hear that, and get better soon :)
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Don't fall into the mindset that you are worthless because she left you. Her opinion does not matter anymore. You don't have to worry about her when making decisions, and it's all down to you now. Everything you do, do it for you.
I don't know how everything is going to turn out, but I want to let you know, you're a great guy.
So, for what it's worth, you have people rooting for you.
I think he was trying to say some encouraging words to the OP, TheSoulhunter. I'm sure Katushkin is a good guy too. :p
All I can say is "This too shall pass". :)
I agree: I was backing up katushkin with thesoulhunter support.
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holy ****, not cool of her at all.
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Thanks guys for all your words and condolence...
I got support from my family by now and feel slightly better, if it were not for them and you I might have done something stupid by now.
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Sorry to hear this, TheSoulhunter... :( I can't even imagine.
It's good to hear that you're feeling slightly better now, and hopefully that trend continues :thumb: Don't give up, and we're all here for you. :)
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:|| hang in there buddy that's pretty bull****
:confused: we're here for you
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Change your locks.
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Geekhack has always been a tremendously helpful support group for me. I want to give back and as I said before, I was in a very similar situation before from what I can tell, so please do not hesitate to contact me. Just beware, as a Philosophy major, discussions may be lengthy ahahahhahaha.
Seriously though, add me on skype, my brother. I'm here for you.
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good to hear you have a good support system at home, imo forget her, not her in general, just the notion of ever being with her, ever, it just doesn't sound like it will ever be happy, and as everyone is saying, at least it happened b4 you both got tied down with a kid or two, which will haunt you for life. (kid of course would be loved, but no the battle) now you just have to fight over some cd's and at most a couch.
when in doubt, just let her have **** and be done with her, don't ever let her "come back" for **** and more ****, also if she does, don't ever let her come over, it's your place now, if she wants anything just drop it off at her sisters place and leave.
again i actually haven't experienced this personally, just seen a few friends and thought about the "right way" to just end it.
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good to hear you have a good support system at home, imo forget her, not her in general, just the notion of ever being with her, ever, it just doesn't sound like it will ever be happy, and as everyone is saying, at least it happened b4 you both got tied down with a kid or two, which will haunt you for life. (kid of course would be loved, but no the battle) now you just have to fight over some cd's and at most a couch.
when in doubt, just let her have **** and be done with her, don't ever let her "come back" for **** and more ****, also if she does, don't ever let her come over, it's your place now, if she wants anything just drop it off at her sisters place and leave.
again i actually haven't experienced this personally, just seen a few friends and thought about the "right way" to just end it.
I should mention, as cruel as her doing sounds, she was very fair regarding belongings etc.,
she even left me stuff she paid for, because she knows I will need em...
She also gave me the banking card for our shared account etc.
Can't complain at all about her behavior except for the sudden bail-out itself!
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This had to be something she was mulling over for quite some time, because I cannot imagine she woke up one week and decided she didn't love you and didn't want to be around you. Considering how long you two were together, I imagine that this had been building for quite some time. I've had a front row seat to this stuff and it does not happen overnight. She probably feels that either:
(1) there is something is wrong with you that she does not want to deal with; or
(2) she can find somebody better than you or have some more adventures before her baby-making years expire.
Perhaps there was something that you were not paying attention to over the past few months as you got lost in work. Perhaps your communication was not as honest and forthright as you assumed it to be.
Whatever it is, I would not be surprised some little birdy was whispering in her ear about the different expectations they had for her future rather than spending it with you. Whatever the reason, I doubt that she will tell you the complete and honest reason of why she left you, for fear of hurting you even more, but I bet some of her friends or family close to her have heard what she really thinks.
Better this happened now rather than dropping 30K on the wedding or having kids, because a lot of people out there get married and have kids without asking the big questions about long-term compatibility.
Anyways, I wouldn't let anything she thinks about you dig too deeply. If you're interactions on this forum are worth anything, you are a stand-up guy that many women in the future will find desirable. If anything, this a great opportunity to re-discover your masculinity and independence. Losing your best friend definitely hurts, but you might find some new stronger friendships out of the debris of your current situation.
At the very least, I hope you get some breakup sex out of this situation.