I've been hearing about this abomination for a few days now so I decided what the hell, my arteries could use a workout and ordered one up for lunch. When this beast arrived at my door, the delivery guy handed me my receipt which was coated in a thin shiny layer of grease that had pooled in one of the box corners and started to leak through. Oh boy, I thought, I'm in for a treat! Upon opening the box a waft of steam rose up hitting me square in the face, now it could've been the jalapeno and fatty oils that brought a tear to my eye, but I think there may have been some gluttonous joy mixed in there as well. The pizza itself was standard fare for Pizza Hut, stale mediocre toppings floating on a sea of D grade mozzarella and grease. But you don't order something called Crazy Crust for the pizza, and the crust was certainly crazy. Potato skin shaped boats of undercooked dough laden with what was easily half an inch of cheese pools oozing in all directions. My heart said no, literally, my heart seized up in horror at the mere sight of this thing, but my stomach said yes yes yes!
I decided to do the appropriate thing and pull off one of the cheese boats first. I must admit, the thing was pure bliss upon the first bite. Wads of pure dairy spurted hot grease in my mouth making a noise not unlike that of a toddler waddling around in a full diaper. I hardly even noticed the grease burns in my mouth as the cheese created a thick coat of protection in my oral cavity. This must be the American dream, I thought, this is what we are fighting to protect! After just the first slice I started to feel ill, but pressed on for science. The second slice wasn't nearly as enjoyable, as my body had already consumed enough dairy to put a lactose intolerant person into a golden crusted coma. Upon the third piece my body started to actively reject this glorious achievement of culinary delight, but still I pressed on. The fourth and final slice things began to grow dark as my head danced with visions of cheese boats afloat on a river of cheese, with a mozzarella gondoliers piloting the godly vessels into my arteries. At this point everything went black, and as I lay on the floor belching, streams of grease dribbled down my cheek. A few moments passed before I realized the inevitable had arrived and rocked back and fourth like an overturned turtle to upright myself and shamefully crawl to the bathroom where I proceed to vomit violently.
All in all this was a good lunch, and if you consider your self up for some adventure in intestinal fortitude the Crazy Crust pizza is a worthy opponent. It's a once in a lifetime experience, no really, if you eat one of these bad boys more than once in your life you will likely keel over and die.
