How to deal with fear?

[skycrimes]

So right now it seems like everything that could go wrong is going wrong.

I come from a family who provided a great, stable, and fulfilling childhood. Everything I had planned out should have happened based on my upbringing without any interruptions. Then BAM everything is just going all over the place. So my current situation is I left my job because I felt like I was losing control of my life in the sense that I quit working out, stopped studying (I've completed college but I feel like learning should never stop), and working on talents/hobbies, as well as my main goal in life of getting married (I haven't gone on any recent dates etc. because I feel a sense of embarrassment for getting so lazy). So I decided the best course of action would be to take a little under a year off from everything - move away and take time to get my habits back while at the same time start studying for law school and the LSAT (which I've been putting off).

Well I had friends who I'd be rooming with and upon seeing the house they chose; determined that we had been scammed (also after reading the contract). At the same time I found out a girl who is going through an incredibly bad divorce likes me and tells me this right as i'm about to leave (do I like her because it's been awhile since I've been in a relationship?). This is all on top of my siblings for whatever reason all deciding at the exact same time to start revealing their internal issues causing my mom (who recently lost her husband) massive stress in not knowing how to take care of all this.

I've always lived life thinking everything is always going to be ok but that's because I've never been faced with so much at once (and i'm well aware that my situation isn't even as close to being as bad as some peoples but I feel like for my capacity to handle things - it's pretty overwhelming).

Yesterday, I managed to get out of the housing situation and even found a place with roommates/environment that is beyond perfect and I thought everything is going to be ok, life is good! - except for the fact that a lot of offers were placed and now here I am playing the waiting game causing me to be super anxious and worried.

So if this new place doesn't go through then I almost want to just go home and try my best to organize my life there without the things I wanted from the state I'm currently at. (I'm from Texas and am in Utah. Everyone I know in texas leaves during fall and winter months to go to college in other places. So utah has a lot of my friends/mountains + snow for things to keep me busy/ lots of college kids with my interests nearby making it easier to find a girl who would share the same goals etc/ and I'd be on my own using my savings to get by meaning I wouldn't be as likely to just get lazy and complacent).

I know this all sounds kind of confusing because there is a lot of details missing

But my question to you guys since you are of all ages and have different stories - but how do you deal with the unknown? is this what being an adult is?

[Signature]

I think that you put too much pressure on yourself by having these "Goals". You should make sure that you enjoy life firstly and the rest comes second. If you want to get away and travel, do it. I think that 1 year is prob a bit long but atleast for a month or two could really take of some stress from your shoulders. To get back on track you should also focus at one goal at a time. For example:  First make sure you work out as much as you'd like, then try to learn more stuff. Add on new things whenever you feel you have the time to do so.

[SpAmRaY]

is this what being an adult is?

Yes.

[jbondeson]

is this what being an adult is?

Uh, yeah it kinda is. Now that's not to say that the sky is always falling, but for most people the demands placed on them go up, not down.

My advice to you is to sit down and make a list of your priorities. Like, your real priorities, not bull**** ones. You're going to have to make some sacrifices (we all do) and they are going to come with some ramifications. If you try to do it all you're going to be miserable. If you avoid the problems, you're (eventually) going to be miserable.

Figure out what you really want and try and make it happen.

[Joey Quinn]

I'm 19 so I'm definitely not an adult but the way I deal with fear is break it down in my mind. I've only felt like everything was falling apart once and it was because my frontal lobe bled and wasn't having a good time. But back on topic, I'm very confident with my abilities and know what I'm capable of. If a situation seems out of control I fix what I can and damage control what I can't fix. The rest is just saying **** it knowing you have it in you to surprise yourself/ being confident future you will figure it out. Also at first I always over think things so it's nice to take a step back, calm down, and rethink it.

But all that being said I'm still at a point in my life where I'm very willing to make mistakes because I have people backing me if I really mess up.

[inanis]

How to deal with fear? Oh man, such a good question!

I have a phobia of something, like legit. I'm terrified beyond all reason, I don't even like to talk about it, so I will not get into specifics. Twice in my life I have had to deal with it head on, there was no other option and there was no going back. The first time it was exactly as awful as I built it up in my head to be. The second time, the build up was the same, but once I was in it, I handed it much better. So, I guess sometimes being forced to deal with it can make it a little bit better. That being said, I'm never doing it again. NEVER!

That is more of a irrational fear that can't be controlled though. For day to day life issues, and dealing with the general unknown, I have found that getting another persons perspective can be the most helpful thing there is. When we fear something, that fear can become irrational, we as a person can become irrational. Sometimes we need to see something neutrally to find that it is manageable. Or, maybe it is as hard as you perceive it to be, but you can rely on the support of someone else to help you through.

[sncbraxsc2]

Hey Sky,

Sorry to hear you've been stressed lately but its good that you are aware and are addressing it.

Its important to remember that life and time will continue through any issues and although it is important to care for others, it is paramount that you are constantly making decisions that improve yourself and your position. I like to think of my problems, not as stressors, but as questions. Respond to the question using your best judgement and move forward. No point mulling over a single issue when life is like a timed test and there are many wonderful things to appreciate in this world.

I'll leave you with a quote I found recently. Curiously, it almost directly addresses your question here.

"Human spirit is the ability to face the uncertainty of the future with curiosity and optimism. It is the belief that problems can be solved, differences resolved." - Bernard Beckett

[sncbraxsc2]

is this what being an adult is?

My advice to you is to sit down and make a list of your priorities

Great advice

[azhdar]

Just stop giving a **** and realise that every single of us is pretending to be an grown up adults.

Have a talk with a senior, he'll tell you he still don't feel adult.

Not giving a **** doesn't mean throw everything, but simply accept that not all the things will go your way.

[tp4tissue]

How to deal with fear? Oh man, such a good question!

I have a phobia of something, like legit. I'm terrified beyond all reason, I don't even like to talk about it, so I will not get into specifics. Twice in my life I have had to deal with it head on, there was no other option and there was no going back. The first time it was exactly as awful as I built it up in my head to be. The second time, the build up was the same, but once I was in it, I handed it much better. So, I guess sometimes being forced to deal with it can make it a little bit better. That being said, I'm never doing it again. NEVER!

That is more of a irrational fear that can't be controlled though. For day to day life issues, and dealing with the general unknown, I have found that getting another persons perspective can be the most helpful thing there is. When we fear something, that fear can become irrational, we as a person can become irrational. Sometimes we need to see something neutrally to find that it is manageable. Or, maybe it is as hard as you perceive it to be, but you can rely on the support of someone else to help you through.

At GH we fear never knowing Inanis's secret fear...

We must know..  TELL US..

Can't give us that kind of build up and leave us cold..

[jdcarpe]

How to deal with fear and/or worrying:

1. Do everything you can do to prepare yourself, in case of a worst possible outcome.
2. Do everything you can do to deal with the things under your control. Usually this consists of only yourself and your own actions.
3. Realize that you have no control over external forces, and let go of your feelings about them. What good will it do to worry about things over which you have no control?
4. Profit?

There are two things that were basically watershed moments in my life so far. The first was what I wrote above. The second was my adoption of a philosophy of personal responsibility. These two things went hand-in-hand toward making me who I am today.

My philosophy of personal responsibility: You are responsible for your own actions. Every decision you make should be an informed choice. Know the possible outcomes and consequences of your actions before you make a decision. Then TAKE ACTION. But whatever you choose, accept the consequences of your action. Inaction is also a choice, but usually not the correct one, and could lead to consequences you must face that are not related to any action you might have taken.

[tp4tissue]

Overall,   being an adult,  can be broken down into 2 component.

Survival, you're given the responsibility to earn at least enough to NOT DIE.

Innovation,  if your Earning EXCEEDS the necessary requirement to survive,  whatever sum existing beyond such range is SOCIETY'S TRUST in YOU to appropriate through YOUR INTERPRETATION/ WILLFULNESS-TO_ACT.

When your interpretation of necessary action is deemed worthy of exploration and continued innovation, then society will continue to fund your lead of such objectives. (pay you more money)
You can assess your objective (MOST SIMPLY),  by asking 2 simple questions.

-Does your objective -SOMEHOW- increase the efficiency of a HUMAN action in the Chain of reproduction (be it communication 'facebook', health 'birthing technique', erotic literature 'mating efficiency', etc

Many many things..  But it must fall in line some where.  Even for example, Aerospace,  if you asked, hai-Tp.. What the hell does a rocket have to do with human reproduction.

Well,  we have limited resources on earth, it is exhaustible, which means we NEED rockets, however later to continue this PREDETERMINED goal of "LIFE" which is very basically CONTINUED reproduction FOREVER..


The entry point into this cycle may have been random/accidental,  but by design we are DOOMED to repeat it until all resources are converted to HUMAN mass. <assuming we could>  it's very possible we'd not cross the empty barriers of space.. the Iceage has never stopped in SPACE..


Because we have to balance this THRESHOLD choice, with our current LIMITATION of materials.


The SECOND important question, in your quest of humanity, is:

-Is YOUR chosen path sustainable and continuously efficient, under and throughout, YOUR allotted time of management.

[paicrai]

some people's only way of dealing would be an absolute solution to most problems present

[mauri]

main goal in life getting married? **** man sounds a tad desperate well i can't judge i haven't got **** figured out

[vivalarevolución]

The thing with life is that basically every "problem" you have dealt with has been dealt with by someone else in the history of time, and, most likely, someone you might be able to get in contact with in person or through modern communication methods.  The problem is, we live in our own little worlds, and we may not be able to realize this truth all the time.  People will give you various answers to these life issues, some absolute nonsense, some good, some bad, some friction amazing.

But being an adult, things are happening to you all the time, and responsibilities don't necessarily go away.  You to learn to deal with in your own way.  Some actually just ignore or avoid their shortcomings rather than attempt to address them.  Just do everyone a favor and don't give up, because you're number one goal is take care of yourself and not take on the burden of everyone elses' issues or be a burden to others.  When you get the point that you know how to take care of yourself, then you can take on the burden of others' issues.  However, if others are not willing to do what they have to do in order to become independent adults, you might need to remove yourself from that relationship.

Also, with regards to women, make yourself into an awesome human being, for your own reasons.  You can define your own meaning of awesome.  After you have a great sense of confidence in who you are, people will naturally be attracted to you.  Don't base your value on the opinion of others that know very little about you.

Please don't take my advice or anyone else's advice as gospel.  No one, including yourself, knows it all. The answers to life's dilemmas are innumerable.  It is up to you to choose, because no one can tell what is right for you.

[vivalarevolución]

And as jdcarpe said, taking action that is within your moral philosophy is very important.  You take action, then evaluate what you learned for when you take future action.  What you believe to be right now, you may not believe three years from now, and that is okay.  As Donald Rumsfeld say, there are unknown unknowns, things that we don't know that we don't know.

[rowdy]

When faced with a particular problem, consider whether it will still be bothering you in 5 years.  Consider whether you will even remember it in 5 years.

And don't take yourself too seriously.  Life throws lots of fecal matter at you, the best way of coping is laugh and just keep going.

[skycrimes]

So I'm still learning geekhack and the last time I tried doing a multi quote with snippets from the comments posted, it ended up looking all weird

but thanks everyone for the responses. From putting things together from you guys (complete strangers), from semi friends (I've spent a small part of my life with), friends, and family I've come to have a greater understanding of how to deal with things and especially in regards to my current situation.

I've realized pretty much all my goals don't require me to be anywhere specific. I convinced myself in order to improve I needed to be away from home but I realized that being at home can provide just as much motivation to improving as being away - just in different ways. So in other words, wherever I am goals can be accomplished or fail based on how I adjust to the surrounding environment.

As for the goal of marriage - its not that i'm desperate or anything I just love the idea of having a family etc. But I've realized that marriage isn't some goal I can accomplish after a week like I could with establishing workout habits. It's not a goal I can just make a check list of and once all the boxes are checked I'm suddenly married. Most importantly marriage isnt 100% in my control because it involves two people. So I just need to improve myself, gain my confidence back, learn from my mistakes and along the way I'll meet someone and I can go from there.

I understand the future can be treated as something scary or something exciting - like opening a present (idk maybe bad example). Point is I need to see the future as something exciting and if it goes good awesome and if not, well its a good thing theres always a tomorrow.

So in regards to my current situation. I'm currently waiting on the guy to say yes/no on whether or not he is ok with me being a new tenant in his place. I've been looking around and so far nothing feels right like that place does (there's a lot of details on that missing but trust me). If he says yes then I'll only plan to be here for a few months (since all I'm doing is studying for law school/working on goals) and from one of the comments - I really don't need a year to get back into working out lol and if after a few months I really like it here then why not stay longer? If he says no, then I think it's ok to go back home and just be aware that theres nothing wrong with that and even though my fear is ill be complacent and not bother trying to improve because "hey I'm safe at home" I also need to understand that "hey I know this place I know where I can go and accomplish my goals the best way."

The nice thing is I don't plan on getting a full time job until after law school or during, and if I really feel like I need money or something to do part time shouldn't be too hard to get. So honestly, I have no idea why im so stressed when I'm really in no rush 

IDK if you guys agree but I mean it is my life  but overall I feel a lot better than I did earlier today, so thanks everyone for the comments and advice.
 

[iri]

just stop giving a ****. worked wonders for me.

[jdcarpe]

I've realized pretty much all my goals don't require me to be anywhere specific. I convinced myself in order to improve I needed to be away from home but I realized that being at home can provide just as much motivation to improving as being away - just in different ways. So in other words, wherever I am goals can be accomplished or fail based on how I adjust to the surrounding environment.

Exactly. Home is where you make it. Moving somewhere different may or may not give you new perspective. You can be happy or sad in any location. Most of the time, life is what YOU make of it.

"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude." -Zig Ziglar

I understand the future can be treated as something scary or something exciting - like opening a present (idk maybe bad example). Point is I need to see the future as something exciting and if it goes good awesome and if not, well its a good thing theres always a tomorrow.

Now that's the spirit!

[jerue]

So, first things first.

Take a deep breath. Now do it again. A few more times. Alright, stop. See, things really aren't that bad, are they? If you took approximately 30 seconds to perform breathing exercises, approx. 54 people died in our world, which sounds awful, right? Yet over 120 babies were born in that time period. It's all about how you approach things. You can choose to live with a glass half-empty, or a glass half-full. Whichever perspective you take is up to you - which is the great thing about being an adult - really a great thing about being human.

Everyone is afraid of things, it's the natural reaction to change. Things won't always work out the way you want them to, and will almost always inconvenience you whenever you least expect it. Expect the unexpected, and keep a good attitude. Don't be afraid to push for things when it's needed either, people will be more willing to work with you than you think if you keep a good attitude.

As for your goal settings, I don't think it's entirely silly to want to have a goal of marriage. There are lots of unlucky SOB's out in the world who never even get to experience what love is, let alone something as sacred as marriage. I try not to have goals that I can't completely control (marriage and relationships are a 2-way street), so for something like this, just let the cards fall where they may. Try making smaller goals, like breathing exercises/meditation and working out; if you can handle the small stuff, you realize that the big stuff isn't that much more different.

I hope this helps - you seem to have a good attitude already. I am pretty young myself, there are exciting times ahead! Life is just getting started really 

[jdcarpe]

if you can handle the small stuff, you realize that the big stuff isn't that much more different.

1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. It's all small stuff.

[jerue]

if you can handle the small stuff, you realize that the big stuff isn't that much more different.

1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. It's all small stuff.

I wholeheartedly agree.