Corny jokes!

[C5Allroad]

What are the hardest murders to solve?

Redneck murders, they all have the same blood and no dental records. 

[quickcrx702]

I posted a similar thread a while back, but since I too love horrible jokes, let's keep it going.
http://geekhack.org/index.php?topic=40774

Speaking of murder...
Q: How do you make a plumber cry?
A: MURDER HIS WHOLE ****ING FAMILY.

[quickcrx702]

Also related to death:

Q: What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
A: A baby with sudden infant death syndrome.

As a parent with another on the way, I don't know why I still find that funny.  LOL.

[iri]

*posts super mild racist joke
*gets muted again

[paicrai]

Rubberdomes

[Coreda]

Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

[rowdy]

Two horses having a drink at a bar.  One is depressed, and his friend asks "Why the long face?"

[C5Allroad]

Wanna hear a bag of mixed emotions? Watching your step-mother backing your new car off of a cliff.
[Edit]
Stay in drugs
Don't do vegetables
Eat your school.
--------------------
Who would you pull over? The perky little blonde in the the Porsche or the Mexican in a bouncy car?

[quickcrx702]

[Novus]

Mother of patient: “My son swallowed a roll of film."
Doctor: “Let’s see what develops."

[YoungMichael88]

Two horses having a drink at a bar.  One is depressed, and his friend asks "Why the long face?"

"I have cancer"

[sth]

So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg.
One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?

[YoungMichael88]

Corny jokes eh?

Two corn cobs were crossing the street and one was hit by a car. The uninjured corn cob called 911 and started to help his injured friend.
The injured corn cob was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured corn cob, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable his whole life"

[Tym]

Ha! 

[sth]

[C5Allroad]

Corny jokes eh?

Two corn cobs were crossing the street and one was hit by a car. The uninjured corn cob called 911 and started to help his injured friend.
The injured corn cob was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured corn cob, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable his whole life"

Why would corn cross a street? They better be heading into my burrito.

[hwood34]

A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.

The chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gave him water. His friend said "I'd like a glass of H2O, too." So the bartender also gave him water, because he knew what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.

[PointyFox]

A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.

The chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gave him water. His friend said "I'd like a glass of H2O, too." So the bartender also gave him water, because he knew what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.

This joke is harder to get when it's typed out instead of said

[hwood34]

What did Caesar say right when it seemed like he was going to lose the Battle of Alesia?

We need to launch a counter-attack on the gap at the river and drive back the Gallic forces.

[C5Allroad]

A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.

The chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gave him water. His friend said "I'd like a glass of H2O, too." So the bartender also gave him water, because he knew what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.

My bio teacher said that the other day... Forgot about it though.

[Novus]

Chemistry jokes he he.
That reminds me of this one.
What's the organic compound that has a mood swing?

Dimethyl ether.

[Comment]

I feel bad for not getting half of these 

[C5Allroad]

Lol...
Being a highschooler has its advantages.

[TheSoulhunter]

"What's the difference between beating-off and beating ya wife? You should never beat your wife in front of ya children..."

[YoungMichael88]

"What's the difference between beating-off and beating ya wife? You should never beat your wife in front of ya children..."

Snap!!

[tp4tissue]

"What's the difference between beating-off and beating ya wife? You should never beat your wife in front of ya children..."

Snap!!

wait.... a. minute..  are you sure that's how it goes?   you'd do either of those? or neither of those, in front of your children.

[C5Allroad]

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do both in front of your children...

[tp4tissue]

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do both in front of your children...

..watch out...

expert of -what you shouldn't do in front of your kids-  HunterAngel121...  coming through.... 

[C5Allroad]

Lol.... After all, I am still 16...

[TheSoulhunter]

"What's the difference between beating-off and beating ya wife? You should never beat your wife in front of ya children..."

Snap!!

wait.... a. minute..  are you sure that's how it goes?   you'd do either of those? or neither of those, in front of your children.

How about doing both at the same time?

[tp4tissue]

"What's the difference between beating-off and beating ya wife? You should never beat your wife in front of ya children..."

Snap!!

wait.... a. minute..  are you sure that's how it goes?   you'd do either of those? or neither of those, in front of your children.

How about doing both at the same time?

internet is a dangerous place indeed.

[C5Allroad]

Just ew....

[Novus]

"What's the difference between beating-off and beating ya wife? You should never beat your wife in front of ya children..."

What the ducking duck?

[fohat.digs]

Can we just get back to actual jokes?


Diner: Why is your thumb on my steak?
Waiter: To keep it from falling off the plate again.

Diner: There is a small insect in my soup.
Waiter: Just a minute, I will get you a larger one.

Diner: There is an insect in my salad.
Waiter: Sshhsh! Everybody else will want one, too.

[quickcrx702]

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?
Getting raped by a giant scorpion.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Domestic violence is a crime.  She should leave her abusive partner and seek help.

[hwood34]

What do call people who have met the first king of England?
Dead

A polar bear and a seal are sitting on an ice floe. The polar bear looks at the seal and says,
"RAWRRRRRRRRRGGG" and then kills and eats him.

A sea otter is talking to a baby seal. The otter then proceeds to hold the seals head underwater and rape it to death

Whats the difference between a jew and firewood?
Firewood is meant to be burned in a stove or firepit while jews are functioning members of society.

What did the little boy with cancer say right before he died?
Nothing. He was very sick, and could not speak during the last few weeks of his life.

What did the orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.

[Novus]

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of his colleagues turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

[Input Nirvana]

Did you see the new Barbie doll?
It's Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Kens stuff.

[quickcrx702]

Running away never solves anything - unless you're a fatass, then it kind of helps.

[infiniti]

If being emo makes you happy, then you're doing something wrong.

[C5Allroad]

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

[FreeCopy]

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

Lol. That's so ridiculous. Going to use it on someone at work tomorrow.

My joke.

Q: What did Tennessee?

A: The same thing Arkansas

[Moosecraft]

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing?



Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says BLUBLUBLUBLUB.

[infiniti]

Heard about the emo pizza?  It cuts itself.

[C5Allroad]

I wish my grass was emo. It would cut itself.

[infiniti]

I wish my grass was emo. It would cut itself.

I see you've heard the one about the emo lawn...

[Computer-Lab in Basement]

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing?



Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says BLUBLUBLUBLUB.

^I found this more amusing than I should have... but anyways, anti-jokes incoming:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
" I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

[C5Allroad]

Wow. That was kind of depressing lol.

I wish my grass was emo. It would cut itself.

I see you've heard the one about the emo lawn...

Who hasn't lol?

[infiniti]

Wow. That was kind of depressing lol.

I wish my grass was emo. It would cut itself.

I see you've heard the one about the emo lawn...

Who hasn't lol?

That was kinda the joke...yeah...yeah..corny... )

[C5Allroad]

Oh then. I obviously completely missed that.