Author Topic: Dealing with an alcoholic  (Read 6375 times)

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Offline Melvang

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Dealing with an alcoholic
« on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 12:37:27 »
Hey guys.

Have any of you ever gotten to the point of having to tell a very close friend or relative that they were no longer welcome if they had been drinking? 

The reason I ask is because of what happened the other night when I was smoking cheese.  A long term friend of mine and her boyfriend came over with some cheese.  I actually used to babysit their kids.  I started when she was pregnant with her oldest daughter.  My wife and I did senior pics for said daughter last weekend.

My brother shows up.  Now normally he is a pretty well behaved drunk until he passes a certain point.  Even then he doesn't get mean, confrontational, or that sort of thing.  He just turns into what I call the "accidental *******".  What I mean is the filter between his brain and mouth is totally gone.  For example he told her " you were way hotter 10 years ago". And this is with her boyfriend standing right next to her.

On top of this he wouldn't take no for an answer with regards to me going fishing tomorrow.  I told him I couldn't because the wife and I were heading to our other house to do some work so we can put it on the market and get rid of a $650 a month bill.  He keeps bugging me about it.  Finally I half way barked at him, so he alsk about the wife going fishing.  At this point I really barked.  I think that finally sunk in because he just turned around and left.  He had parked his truck in our front yard and drove home.  It was only a two block drive and the only turns is turning into and out of our driveways.

This is all on top of having 3 OWIs none of which he actually had a valid driver's license for.

My biggest thing is I don't want my kids growing up thinking its OK to have a beer in your hand everywhere, including when driving.

Sorry end rant.  But has anyone had to deal with this?
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Offline cryptokey

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #1 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 12:41:24 »
Are there many times when he is sober that you might be able to have a talk with him?
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Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #2 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 12:42:40 »
Are there many times when he is sober that you might be able to have a talk with him?

I can probably count on one hand the times I have seen him totally sober since I got out of the Navy in 07.
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Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #3 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 12:44:01 »
It isn't like he is always hammered falling down drunk, just rarely stone sober.
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Offline absyrd

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #4 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 12:45:59 »
My brother is a deeply troubled alcoholic.

I've forced him with help from my p's to go to therapy.

I have a limit of 1 drink if he is at my house or out to dinner with the wyfe and I. If he comes early or stays late at restaurant to drink more, he is not welcome in the future.

I cannot let him bring me down, especially right now with me having to care for a few people in other dangerous situations, so I may get more strict with him in the near future.
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Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #5 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 16:45:50 »
My only living direct relative, my uncle, is an alcoholic.  I don't have a memory of him sober.  When I was younger it was kind of a joke, but it transitioned into him treating our family very poorly.  He long passed the point of being welcome anywhere near our family quite a few years ago.  But that was tangential to his alcoholism (he's done things that I won't post here, but am happy to share if you're curious).

This doesn't really help your scenario, but cutting him out of our life has made our lives better.  Sadly, it may come to that.

Offline jdcarpe

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #6 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 16:51:02 »


My only living direct relative...

I feel like there is a story here that we are missing.
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Offline fknraiden

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #7 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 16:53:53 »
Im too young to really know friends who are serious alcoholics. but i've had my fair share of friends lose themselves to drugs. My only advice if giving an ultimatum. Stop the substance abuse, or lose your friends and loved ones. If that means anything it can potentially make something connect for them, and give them a "moment of clarity". Sorry for this babble. Good luck.

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Offline azhdar

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #8 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 16:56:40 »
Saying to an addict "you need to stop or... " means nothing.
You need to take actions.
He'll realise only when he'll be faced with the consequences and will have to deal with it.
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Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #9 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 16:59:32 »
My only living direct relative...

I feel like there is a story here that we are missing.

Oh shoot, I just realized how misleading that might be.  My parents and siblings are still alive!  :-X  But I have no living grandparents, the one disowned uncle, and no cousins.  That's what I meant.  Sorry!

Offline FreeCopy

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #10 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 17:02:49 »
My only living direct relative, my uncle, is an alcoholic.  I don't have a memory of him sober.  When I was younger it was kind of a joke, but it transitioned into him treating our family very poorly.  He long passed the point of being welcome anywhere near our family quite a few years ago.  But that was tangential to his alcoholism (he's done things that I won't post here, but am happy to share if you're curious).

This doesn't really help your scenario, but cutting him out of our life has made our lives better.  Sadly, it may come to that.

My story is the pretty much the same there. He did give up the alcohol once for a couple years, but replaced it with ****ing crack of all things. He got off of that, supposedly, but back on the alcohol.

I tried many negotiations with him and they all failed. The last straw was on St. Patrick's day a few years ago he insisted on going out for a drink. I agreed stating, "Just for ONE drink." Ok deal set we go out. He buys the drinks, walks up to me and I grab for the one cup and he shoves both of them at me. "What's this? We agreed on ONE damn drink!" and like some cute little kid thinking he's tricky replies with a smile, "Yeah. One... for each hand!" I put the drink down and said, "Never again." Walked out. Haven't talked to him or seen him in years now. My dad still keeps in contact with him, and nothing has changed.

It's very unfortunate but sometimes the only way to deal with someone is not to deal with them. I'm the oldest sibling and when I was growing up he was like my older brother and best friend, then he got me into my field of work, becoming a mentor and amazing teacher for me in my career. Really sad. I miss him terribly but not enough to overlook the issues that come with his level of drinking.
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Offline ImpendingxDoom

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #11 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 17:09:13 »
My only living direct relative, my uncle, is an alcoholic.  I don't have a memory of him sober.  When I was younger it was kind of a joke, but it transitioned into him treating our family very poorly.  He long passed the point of being welcome anywhere near our family quite a few years ago.  But that was tangential to his alcoholism (he's done things that I won't post here, but am happy to share if you're curious).

This doesn't really help your scenario, but cutting him out of our life has made our lives better.  Sadly, it may come to that.

My story is the pretty much the same there. He did give up the alcohol once for a couple years, but replaced it with ****ing crack of all things. He got off of that, supposedly, but back on the alcohol.

I tried many negotiations with him and they all failed. The last straw was on St. Patrick's day a few years ago he insisted on going out for a drink. I agreed stating, "Just for ONE drink." Ok deal set we go out. He buys the drinks, walks up to me and I grab for the one cup and he shoves both of them at me. "What's this? We agreed on ONE damn drink!" and like some cute little kid thinking he's tricky replies with a smile, "Yeah. One... for each hand!" I put the drink down and said, "Never again." Walked out. Haven't talked to him or seen him in years now. My dad still keeps in contact with him, and nothing has changed.

It's very unfortunate but sometimes the only way to deal with someone is not to deal with them. I'm the oldest sibling and when I was growing up he was like my older brother and best friend, then he got me into my field of work, becoming a mentor and amazing teacher for me in my career. Really sad. I miss him terribly but not enough to overlook the issues that come with his level of drinking.

Good on you for standing up to him. Hopefully that made him take a serious look at himself even for a little while.

I have a few friends that fairly obviously need to drink in order to be happy/feel good about their situations/be able to deal with what goes on during their days. Deep down I know that its most likely going to get worse, but its hard to tell someone to change their lifestyle.

Offline jbondeson

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #12 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 17:17:25 »
Addiction is a horrific thing. The person has to want to change, and unfortunately that many times only comes with bottoming out hard.

I would try to have a serious talk about getting him into a program or addiction therapy. If that doesn't work unfortunately the next step is to look out yourself and your family. Draw the line about him drinking anything around you and your wife. If you try to "protect" him you'll likely only succeed in enabling him.

Good luck, it's a tough situation.

Offline inanis

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #13 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 17:42:03 »
I have a great deal of experiance in this area, sadly. My brother is a raging alcoholic, and all around addicted to just about anything you can name. He is a terrible person to be around. He is mean and violent. Not to mention a liar and a thief. My parents enable him at every turn. They recognize he is troubled, but seem to be driven by guilt to make him better, a thing that is completely impossible. For him, his addiction is driven by a mental issue that he refuses to get treated for. Many of his behaviors (rage, lying, etc) are there regardless of if he is under the influence or not.

I have made it clear that he is not allowed to be near my kids when I'm not there. He is also not allowed to be near me or my kids if he has so much as a single drink. My parents acted like I was in the wrong for wanting this, and for a long time I was not invited to family events while he was. Eventually they came to see that what I was asking was reasonable, but the coming holidays will test how true that is.

I blame my brother for robbing me of a childhood in a lot of ways. I would go as far as to say if I never saw him again, I would be okay with it. I don't wish him any ill will, but he is not someone I need in my life, at least not until he gets at least some of his issues under control.

I have many more tales of addiction based woe, but my relationship with my brother is the most influential. My general advice would be to be firm and fair. If you are ready to establish rules, you also must be ready to stick to them and accept that there may be consequences that fall on you, even if that is completely unfair. Accept that you can't control his behavior, but you can control what you allow around you and your family.

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Offline jaffers

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #14 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 17:47:21 »
Unfortunately people need to be let go in life. Alcoholism, can be just one of the reasons for this. From the opinion of someone who has been involved in some very rough crowds and holds loyalty as one of the absolute most important values that can be had in a person, its best to just stop talking to them. No excuses need to be said, its part of their own personal development to come to conclusions as why people stop talking to them. Their life isn't yours and you should not feel bad for letting them go. All the best man

Offline fohat.digs

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #15 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 18:04:30 »
As the saying goes "Life is a *****, and then you die."

Some people are inherently more fragile and threatened by all the **** that comes at them at the speed of sound, if not the speed of light, over the course of a lifetime.

I am lucky enough to have been moderately successful at navigating the troubled waters of life while maintaining a general sense of inner calm, but that takes strength and a thick skin.

There is plenty enough hardship in life to "drive someone to drink" and it is probably best to look at them as weak and in need of help rather than as strong and threatening, no matter how they rage.

That said, nothing makes me more angry, on a personal level, than someone lashing out at me when I am trying to help them.

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Offline tp4tissue

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #16 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 19:29:08 »
I am becoming quite the experienced drinker myself..



What I've noticed is,  it's just easier to drink than it is to do All-Other-Things "to become happy"..

The cost of happiness from say hard-work,  is a lengthy process, and the joy is often short lived..

The cost of happiness from liquor, is a few minute walk, $2 for the liquid, and the joy is at least a couple hours..



You can directly see here how the disparity in average earnings would cause a person to choose the boozing route..




Alcoholics and all other addicts are choosing the least costly path to happiness..  They are fundamentally no different than anyone else choosing "allegedly" more respectable paths.. 



Which leads me to the conclusion that emotional Happiness should no longer be the driving emotion for humanity,  and we should adopt a system of logic like the Vulcans..


Yea,  now we're headed to the "ridiculous" territory..   but it would seem like this is how every society plays it till it all crumbles, then they do it again.

Humanity is addicted to happiness,  and and it's not enough to take us to the next level of intraspecies cooperation..

Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #17 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 19:36:50 »
Which leads me to the conclusion that emotional Happiness should no longer be the driving emotion for humanity,  and we should adopt a system of logic like the Vulcans..

Please, oh great tp, share you ultimate wisdom on how to accomplish this.

Offline heedpantsnow

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #18 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 19:45:43 »
I don't have anything to add other than what I shared in the "quitting thread".  I just wanted to say I'm so sorry all of you have these very difficult people who have put you in a hard place where you had to make some very difficult decisions. Life is not easy. I'm rooting for you guys (and gal). 
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Offline tp4tissue

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #19 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 19:49:01 »
Which leads me to the conclusion that emotional Happiness should no longer be the driving emotion for humanity,  and we should adopt a system of logic like the Vulcans..

Please, oh great tp, share you ultimate wisdom on how to accomplish this.

I have no clue Hoff..


While I can rationalize the logic behind doing so...


I am well aware,  that the human mind has ONLY developed so far..  Any and ALL of our intellect is merely there to sense and discern what can keep us alive (eating) and what can protract our inevitable personal doom (sex)..



From what I can tell,  the Prefrontal Cortex is that latest to have gotten larger, and in some people, Their PFC is strong enough to override SOME base tendencies and inclinations..


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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #20 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 19:57:10 »
Even as a former addict and the child of a recovering alcoholic, I'm not going to pretend to have the answers. But just make sure you and your family are not enabling his behavior in any way (covering for him, cleaning up his messes, etc.). It's true what they say about hitting rock bottom, and enabling is just keeping that from happening.

If you're not super familiar with the idea of enabling behavior, do some reading on codependency. It can be as ugly and manipulative as the addict's behavior, but much harder to spot and easier to justify.

Finally, always remember that you can't force anyone to change.

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Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #21 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 19:59:24 »
I am becoming quite the experienced drinker myself..



What I've noticed is,  it's just easier to drink than it is to do All-Other-Things "to become happy"..

The cost of happiness from say hard-work,  is a lengthy process, and the joy is often short lived..

The cost of happiness from liquor, is a few minute walk, $2 for the liquid, and the joy is at least a couple hours..



You can directly see here how the disparity in average earnings would cause a person to choose the boozing route..




Alcoholics and all other addicts are choosing the least costly path to happiness..  They are fundamentally no different than anyone else choosing "allegedly" more respectable paths.. 



Which leads me to the conclusion that emotional Happiness should no longer be the driving emotion for humanity,  and we should adopt a system of logic like the Vulcans..


Yea,  now we're headed to the "ridiculous" territory..   but it would seem like this is how every society plays it till it all crumbles, then they do it again.

Humanity is addicted to happiness,  and and it's not enough to take us to the next level of intraspecies cooperation..

To, I don't mean any disrespectful, but in regards to this post, **** you.

Even as a former addict and the child of a recovering alcoholic, I'm not going to pretend to have the answers. But just make sure you and your family are not enabling his behavior in any way (covering for him, cleaning up his messes, etc.). It's true what they say about hitting rock bottom, and enabling is just keeping that from happening.

If you're not super familiar with the idea of enabling behavior, do some reading on codependency. It can be as ugly and manipulative as the addict's behavior, but much harder to spot and easier to justify.

Finally, always remember that you can't force anyone to change.

The only person that could be enabling him is his wife.  But even then, I think she just turns a blind eye and/or is in denial about how bad it is.
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Offline njbair

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #22 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 20:11:08 »
Maybe it's time to silently cut him out of family functions. For your kids' sake, just stop inviting him to stuff.

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Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #23 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 20:17:09 »
Maybe it's time to silently cut him out of family functions. For your kids' sake, just stop inviting him to stuff.

I don't want to speak for Melvang, but their close proximity may make that difficult.  :-/

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #24 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 20:24:40 »
Maybe it's time to silently cut him out of family functions. For your kids' sake, just stop inviting him to stuff.

I don't want to speak for Melvang, but their close proximity may make that difficult.  :-/
This may be a scumbag move, but I just had a thought. If he shows up wasted, tip off the police that a drunk driver will be leaving soon.

I wonder if that would work...

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Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #25 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 21:48:52 »
I talked to his wife tonight.  Told her that he is still welcome around my family, but only if he is sober.  If he shows up to a family function drunk, my family will leave.  Also, if I know he is driving drunk, I will call the cops.  She seemed OK with all this.
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Offline njbair

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #26 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 21:53:43 »
I talked to his wife tonight.  Told her that he is still welcome around my family, but only if he is sober.  If he shows up to a family function drunk, my family will leave.  Also, if I know he is driving drunk, I will call the cops.  She seemed OK with all this.
Sounds like a solid, reasonable set of parameters. I'm glad she took it well. I wouldn't expect her to relay that info back to him, though.

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Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #27 on: Sun, 15 November 2015, 22:01:03 »
I talked to his wife tonight.  Told her that he is still welcome around my family, but only if he is sober.  If he shows up to a family function drunk, my family will leave.  Also, if I know he is driving drunk, I will call the cops.  She seemed OK with all this.
Sounds like a solid, reasonable set of parameters. I'm glad she took it well. I wouldn't expect her to relay that info back to him, though.

I am going to call him while he is on his way to work in the morning.  Probably about the only time I will be able to catch him sober.  Also going to talk to my parents and let them know the same thing.
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Offline taylordcraig

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #28 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 00:11:25 »
I wanted to chime in as someone who has been an alcoholic for more than a year.
It is never okay to drive drunk, and the second that your drunkenness starts interfering with other people's personal lives THAT'S NOT OKAY.
It's 100% okay to call him out; BUT BE GENTLE, he's probably drinking for what he thinks is a VERY good reason.

Offline hudson0804

  • Posts: 97
Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #29 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 02:41:20 »
My uncle's girlfriend is an alcoholic.  She is a nightmare to be around, sadly all attempts at telling her (and the inevitable crying apology to people) she slips back into it like a hand in a glove. 

If they're not aware of the problem, make them aware.  If they're aware of the problem but still do it, then offer them help.  If all else fails you have to remove these toxic people from your lives. 

I don't mean to be the morality police but to say this,

The reason I ask is because of what happened the other night when I was smoking cheese.
and then
My biggest thing is I don't want my kids growing up thinking its OK to have a beer in your hand everywhere, including when driving.

Has its own sense of irony, one appearing to be acceptable the other not. 

I try not to be judgemental of people as I am far form perfect, but this made me wonder. 

H

Offline fanpeople

  • Posts: 970
Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #30 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 02:45:04 »
Wait, isn't smoking cheese actually the act of smoking cheese? Not puffing cheese?

117339-0

edit: Pretty sure that Melvang actually posted a picture of cheeses being smoked..... in a smoker. 
« Last Edit: Mon, 16 November 2015, 02:47:19 by fanpeople »

Offline tp4tissue

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #31 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 02:57:23 »
Wait, isn't smoking cheese actually the act of smoking cheese? Not puffing cheese?

(Attachment Link)

edit: Pretty sure that Melvang actually posted a picture of cheeses being smoked..... in a smoker. 

challenge accecepppt...  wait a minute....  NM... JUST KIDDDING...

Offline hudson0804

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #32 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 03:09:01 »
That would be the best misunderstanding of smoking cheese ever...

Well probably the only misunderstanding possible...


Offline fanpeople

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #33 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 03:22:50 »
117341-0

Offline heedpantsnow

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #34 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 06:47:34 »
Lol well a very hard heavy thread just took a turn I wasn't expecting...

On a serious note, Melvang, I hope the talk with him goes better than you expected and he listens to your counsel.
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Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #35 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 07:19:55 »
Yeah Melvang literally smokes cheese.  And it's delicious.

Offline tp4tissue

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #36 on: Mon, 16 November 2015, 09:36:59 »
Yeah Melvang literally smokes cheese.  And it's delicious.

it's probably possible..   but the smoke would be extremely greasy,  so you'd get gummed up pretty quick..

Offline hudson0804

  • Posts: 97
Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #37 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 02:37:08 »
I'm going to post this in case (and i mean no offence to your intelligence) you guys dont know.

But here in the tiny Island of Great Britain, smoking cheese refers to the burning of cannabis and its derivatives and the further more inhalation of the smoke...

Also known as:

4:20, bake, bite the blues dog, blaze, blizz, blow trees, (smoke a) bowl, box out, bubble, bun, burn, burn a Green Disk (computer slang), burn some rope, cane (or kane), cannabize, chief, chillin' on the moon, chong, choke, choof, clambaking (smoking grass in your car), close yourselves in a bathroom, conversational bread throwing, cutting the grass, dance with Mary Jane, do the deed, doade, droppin' Ds, dutchy (to smoke in a confined, eatin' southern cookin', fire up a rocket, fish bowl, fixin' to burn, fly Mexican Airlines, fly to the moon, flyin, (get some) fresh air, fry, **** a *****, get blasted, get caned, get chinese-eyed (Cheech and Chong Up in Smoke), get elevated, get happy, get lit, get toasted, getting toasty-toast, (to play) golf, go bowling, go for a "special" walk, go on a walk with Droseph Jones, go on an "L ride" (drive while smoking a joint or blunt), go to the fun house, going out to the back forty, going to mars, grab a memory masher, grass ski, grazing In the Grass, (to have a) green day, have a celebration, have an attitude adjustment, Hawaii hot box, hittin' it, hotbox, ignite, Jamaican bake (to smoke in a hot shower), joint sub-committee meeting (from the movie Dazed and Confused), jumping through hoops, killing a skunk, light a fire, light up, listening to your iPod, looking for water on Mars, pack the pipe, pet the green gerbil, play tennis (when you and a friend are passing a joint or pipe back and forth — inspired by the late Mac Dre), playing a C major, poke smot, puff, raise one, reaching for the stars, read a good book, reasoning session, recharge, rippin, roast, rollin' and tumblin', rub the hot muffin on the west side, running in an endless field, safety inspection, safety meeting, schmape, scratchify, sesh (from session), shakin' hands with God, sizzle a blizzle, smeez a beez, smhack-a-shmowl, Shmerk-a-Berl, smoke weed, smokin the panda, smoo rocket, spark, spunk it, steam, strummin the rusty banjo, study economics, study philosophy, take the Marrakesh Express, talk politics, talk to Larry, talk to Sampson, talking da trash, talking to Lando (Character in Star Wars; implying to get sky high), tax, throw bread, to hit a cut (to smoke while driving), to put one in the air, (to go) to the Bat Cave, toke (up), tootin, toss a slice, tour, try on some Michael Jordans, wake and bake (smoking in the morning after waking up), walk the green dog, watching the ducks (smoking, usually a blunt and outside)

I shamelessly rippe dthat off a wiki so its all true ;), who knew there were so many ways of saying, schmokin cheez.

H

PS, it is not my intention to detract away form the seriousness of the OP, I've witnessed its affects first hand. 

Offline heedpantsnow

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #38 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 06:50:20 »

I'm going to post this in case (and i mean no offence to your intelligence) you guys dont know.

But here in the tiny Island of Great Britain, smoking cheese refers to the burning of cannabis and its derivatives and the further more inhalation of the smoke...

Also known as:

...

Wow thanks never heard that over here in N. America. 🏻
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Offline ManxLOLcat

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #39 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 08:37:54 »
Quite a lot of my family have been alcoholics but unfortunately it hasn't ended too well for most of them.

Starting with my Great Grandfather, he died from liver failure, all I really know since no one likes to talk about it.

Grandfather drank when he worked in the HK bank due to depression, almost ended up like his father. Luckily he got married and got in shape. (Depression was also caused by his experiences during WW2)

Uncle drank for the same reason however his drinking days ended after falling of a 5 story building while drunk, luckily still alive and well but came out with a fracture skull, spine and spent 2 weeks in a coma. He had to learn to walk again. He fell off trying to climb his girlfriend's scaffolding.

If there is anything to say from my family's experiences is that you should always keep an eye out for them, make sure they don't go too far, and to try to help them out of it (easier said than done of course). I understand that everyone is different and that people drink for different reasons but I hope this sheds some light on how dangerous it can get when it comes to being an alcoholic. Going through a near death experience is obviously not a good way of getting someone to stop drinking.

I would've liked to share some solutions that could be of use apart from keeping an eye out for him but unfortunately I don't have any. I hope this raises some awareness, I don't want any families going through the same things as mine.

Sorry if this seems a bit depressing and I don't mean to scare anyone.

Offline Waateva

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #40 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 08:49:37 »
My uncle's girlfriend is an alcoholic.  She is a nightmare to be around, sadly all attempts at telling her (and the inevitable crying apology to people) she slips back into it like a hand in a glove. 

If they're not aware of the problem, make them aware.  If they're aware of the problem but still do it, then offer them help.  If all else fails you have to remove these toxic people from your lives. 

I don't mean to be the morality police but to say this,

The reason I ask is because of what happened the other night when I was smoking cheese.
and then
My biggest thing is I don't want my kids growing up thinking its OK to have a beer in your hand everywhere, including when driving.

Has its own sense of irony, one appearing to be acceptable the other not. 

I try not to be judgemental of people as I am far form perfect, but this made me wonder. 

H

Alcohol abuse is much more destructive to both your personal life as well as to others around you than cheese abuse, if you even want to call it that.  In a 2011 study, alcohol ranked just below heroin in social harm and 4th in harm to yourself, only behind heroin, crack, and crystal meth.  Alcohol abuse has also been tied to over 50 different diseases, and is estimated to result in over 80,000 deaths each year just in the USA.  I say these things as someone who has one side of my family with a ton of alcohol abuse, and off the top of my head I know that my brother, father, two of my uncles, two of my aunts, and four to five of my cousins would qualify as alcoholics, and that is just on one side of my family.  My uncle recently had a massive heart attack at 50, my aunt is in and out of the hospital for things related to her alcohol abuse, and my father's health has been steadily declining for the last five years or so.

There are certainly people addicted to the cheese, but I don't think that comparing a person who is constantly drunk and also driving to someone smoking in their own home is a fair comparison to make.
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Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #41 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 09:37:54 »
Sorry for the confusion for those guys that mistook me for smoking cheese equating to pot.  What are was referring to was the curing process of applying smoke from burning woods (namely hickory, maple, apple, and Cherry) to meats and cheeses for the benefit of added flavor and storage times.

I had a chat with him yesterday morning.  I told him that he was no longer welcome around my family if he had been drinking, including a single beer, I would call the cops if I see him drinking and driving, and if he shows up to a family function after drinking, we will leave.  I told him I don't want my kids thinking it is OK to go through life without ever putting a beer down.  The last thing I told him, is I don't ever want to see beer cans in his truck ever again, unless they are bagged up and heading to the redemption center.  For those that don't know, Iowa has a 5 cent deposit on pop and beer cans.

In the past my wife and I have had talks with him about his drinking, but this is the first time I have ever told him he wouldn't be welcome.  Last time I had a talk with him, he didnquit drinking until that weekend.

Now I don't think he ever has shown up to a family event drunk, but I just though, I figured I would throw that in for reiteration that we would not stand for it.

I do hanging out with him and I feel we have a very good relationship so hopefully this helps.  When I was talking with him, he agreed with everything I said and had a very quiet almost somber tone in his voice.  So hopefully something may have clicked in his head.  He didn't offer one but, rebuttal, or excuse for his behavior.

I also made sure that he understood that the only thing that kept him out of jail/prison on his last OWI was the fact that he has a good job and has a very good reputation with his company.  And that the state understands that if they threw him in jail, they wouldn't be able to get any money out of him.  But he will not be skating by number 4 near as lucky.
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Offline mobbo

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #42 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 09:45:27 »
Man my ex was like this. She turned into the biggest ******* when she drinks as well as some other "mistakes" you make when you're black out drunk at a party or bar.

Honestly though the breaking point for me wasn't the cheating, or the picking her up without shoes on the street on her way back from some event, or waking up to hold her hair over the toilet. It was when a friend of mine had rented out a cottage for a few close friends as a graduation gift, we were all having dinner the first night and her being a vegetarian, I asked her if she wanted me to throw something on the grill for her (peppers, mushrooms, etc.) by this point I didn't even realize how much she had drank as I had been cooking for everyone. She just looked at me with this look of utter disgust that I have never before seen, and said "**** you" like she really meant it.

I don't know why, but I had forgiven her for all sorts of unwieldy behaviour but that look, that ungratefulness when I was just trying to offer her dinner, was just too much. I'd like to say I helped her improve with her problems, but it took many a sitting down sober and very seriously saying "you are scaring me, and I don't want to be with you when you're like this" and even then, it only mildly improved until we broke up. 

I fully support you in firmly establishing your boundaries and comfort level, for the sake of you and your family. That's all you can do really. Establish your own boundaries in relation to the behaviour and hope that they find something within themselves to change.
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Offline fohat.digs

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #43 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 09:47:28 »
Sorry for the confusion for those guys that mistook me for smoking cheese equating to pot.  What are was referring to was the curing process of applying smoke from burning woods (namely hickory, maple, apple, and Cherry) to meats and cheeses for the benefit of added flavor and storage times.

I had a chat with him yesterday morning.  I told him that he was no longer welcome around my family if he had been drinking, including a single beer, I would call the cops if I see him drinking and driving, and if he shows up to a family function after drinking, we will leave.  I told him I don't want my kids thinking it is OK to go through life without ever putting a beer down. 

In the past my wife and I have had talks with him about his drinking, but this is the first time I have ever told him he wouldn't be welcome.  Last time I had a talk with him, he didnquit drinking until that weekend.

Now I don't think he ever has shown up to a family event drunk, but I just though, I figured I would throw that in for reiteration that we would not stand for it.

I do hanging out with him and I feel we have a very good relationship so hopefully this helps.  When I was talking with him, he agreed with everything I said and had a very quiet almost somber tone in his voice.  So hopefully something may have clicked in his head.  He didn't offer one but, rebuttal, or excuse for his behavior.


Good luck, maybe you got through to him.

I do drink in moderation, but the one of the best restraints for myself is the memory of some really *really* bad hangovers and the understanding that I just simply don't want to feel that way tomorrow morning.

And I'm sorry if I started the "smoking cheese" bit with a smart-ass quip.
"However, even though I was born in the Mesozoic, I do know what anyone who wants to reach out to young people should say: Billionaires took your money. They took your chance to buy a home. They took your chance at a good education. They stole your opportunities. Billionaires took the things you want in life. If you really want those things, you have to take them back.
That's the message. That's the whole message. Say that every day, not just to reach America's frustrated young white men, but people of every age, race, and gender.
Late-stage capitalism is a wealth-concentration engine, focused on vacuuming up every dollar and putting it in as few hands as possible. Republicans are helping that vacuum suck.
How does a tiny fraction of the population get away with this? They do it by dividing the other 99% of Americans against themselves."
- Marc Sumner 2025-05-30

Offline heedpantsnow

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Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #44 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 11:34:08 »
Melvang, I hope things improve and I hope something from the talk "stuck". I don't know much, but it seems to me that you are doing the right thing.

Edit: and if I'm ever in your area I would like to hang out with you while you slowly smolder some wood producing aromatic smoke to enhance the taste and longevity of cheese and meats.
« Last Edit: Tue, 17 November 2015, 11:35:58 by heedpantsnow »
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Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #45 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 18:00:01 »
Edit: and if I'm ever in your area I would like to hang out with you while you slowly smolder some wood producing aromatic smoke to enhance the taste and longevity of cheese and meats.

It's romantic, you should do it.  ;)

Offline Melvang

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #46 on: Tue, 17 November 2015, 18:18:18 »
Edit: and if I'm ever in your area I would like to hang out with you while you slowly smolder some wood producing aromatic smoke to enhance the taste and longevity of cheese and meats.

It's romantic, you should do it.  ;)

This is true, the first time you take a bite of cheese that isn't smoked after trying mine, you will be disappointed.

For what it is worth, I do have a guide to my method posted here.  Just do a subject search for "meat and cheese smoking guide". It is in off topic. 

I think one could probably do cheese where you are heedpants, but it will probably only be 2 or 3 weekends in the year that it would work without going  to a custom built rig.  I have done it as warm as 45° F but I had to be VERY careful.
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Offline hudson0804

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #47 on: Wed, 18 November 2015, 01:40:21 »
My uncle's girlfriend is an alcoholic.  She is a nightmare to be around, sadly all attempts at telling her (and the inevitable crying apology to people) she slips back into it like a hand in a glove. 

If they're not aware of the problem, make them aware.  If they're aware of the problem but still do it, then offer them help.  If all else fails you have to remove these toxic people from your lives. 

I don't mean to be the morality police but to say this,

The reason I ask is because of what happened the other night when I was smoking cheese.
and then
My biggest thing is I don't want my kids growing up thinking its OK to have a beer in your hand everywhere, including when driving.

Has its own sense of irony, one appearing to be acceptable the other not. 

I try not to be judgemental of people as I am far form perfect, but this made me wonder. 

H

Alcohol abuse is much more destructive to both your personal life as well as to others around you than cheese abuse, if you even want to call it that.  In a 2011 study, alcohol ranked just below heroin in social harm and 4th in harm to yourself, only behind heroin, crack, and crystal meth.  Alcohol abuse has also been tied to over 50 different diseases, and is estimated to result in over 80,000 deaths each year just in the USA.  I say these things as someone who has one side of my family with a ton of alcohol abuse, and off the top of my head I know that my brother, father, two of my uncles, two of my aunts, and four to five of my cousins would qualify as alcoholics, and that is just on one side of my family.  My uncle recently had a massive heart attack at 50, my aunt is in and out of the hospital for things related to her alcohol abuse, and my father's health has been steadily declining for the last five years or so.

There are certainly people addicted to the cheese, but I don't think that comparing a person who is constantly drunk and also driving to someone smoking in their own home is a fair comparison to make.

Sorry but i'm calling bull****.

Dont care what "researchers" have said.

Drugs are not OK unless being used for medicinal purposes. 

Back on topic, hope it all works out for you Melvang. 

Offline fohat.digs

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #48 on: Wed, 18 November 2015, 07:21:41 »

Drugs are not OK unless being used for medicinal purposes. 


Various mind-altering substances have been used by humans since the dawn of time. Although any "impairment" can be dangerous, depending on what activity is being engaged in, light occasional use, under non-threatening circumstances, is generally considered acceptable.

That said, it is a well-documented fact that a certain minority (the numbers can range up to 15% of the population) have physical and/or mental trouble "handling" various foods/drinks/drugs, and are often (counter-productively, but inexorably) drawn to the very things that will harm them most.
"However, even though I was born in the Mesozoic, I do know what anyone who wants to reach out to young people should say: Billionaires took your money. They took your chance to buy a home. They took your chance at a good education. They stole your opportunities. Billionaires took the things you want in life. If you really want those things, you have to take them back.
That's the message. That's the whole message. Say that every day, not just to reach America's frustrated young white men, but people of every age, race, and gender.
Late-stage capitalism is a wealth-concentration engine, focused on vacuuming up every dollar and putting it in as few hands as possible. Republicans are helping that vacuum suck.
How does a tiny fraction of the population get away with this? They do it by dividing the other 99% of Americans against themselves."
- Marc Sumner 2025-05-30

Offline HoffmanMyster

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Re: Dealing with an alcoholic
« Reply #49 on: Wed, 18 November 2015, 08:34:19 »
Sorry but i'm calling bull****.

Dont care what "researchers" have said.

Drugs are not OK unless being used for medicinal purposes. 

TIL hudson has never drank a caffeinated soda or coffee.  :eek:  Not even just to try it once?  I'm impressed.  :thumb: