warning gets a bit darker than usual
i hate my over compassion, my boss hurts me for a year and a half, tells me to kill myself, but when it is time to report to HR i still fear to hurt her back... to the point of it making me sick, what the **** is wrong with me... same with the girl i liked, she is pregnant of someone else but i fear for her health with covid delta and all the problem related with smoking and pregnancy, i should not care but it keep me awake at night and makes me unable to eat... i feel trapped in there. only thing keeping me about afloat is the cats they are annoying often but man they help with stress and with doing something else than stay in the bed contemplating if my boss was right about her advice...
ps. sorry a bit dark, but i kinda have no one to talk about it with
Let me tell you a (bit) of my story.
At the end of undergrad I had pretty much nowhere to go. Family is not rich so I have to support myself -- not a huge deal, been doing that since 16 but at that time is was specially difficult because the job market here is terrible. Doing master's was a dream but could not afford it. So I didn't think much about it. Just kept my 9-5 crap job. At the time of graduation I was so infatuated with my job (hostile workplace, crap manager, mentally abusive owner) that I just YOLO'ed it, started freelancing and enrolled into a master's . I said some words I today rather I had not, but that's water under the bridge I guess...
Don't get me wrong, it was difficult. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks balls and I made huge mistakes that I am still recovering from. But today I wake up monday morning looking forward to the week. PhD is still halfway to go, and I have lots of keyboard projects that I need to close.
There are sometimes in life that you need to take drastic action and bold decisions, and from my experience you are in a similar place I was back then. Things turned out great in the end; albeit not making the same money as I was, and dealing with having to regulate my lifestyle, I am light years happier.
What made it for me was regular physical exercises. Everyday at 5 I either bike or run or do muscular exercises. Turns out there are specific neurotransmitter substances you only get when exercising. I also don't have trouble sleeping anymore. 80% of the problems I hear from colleagues come from too much anxiety or energy that could be dealt with if you had somewhere to dump that negative energy. I suggest you give that a try if you don't.