So I posted before about my mom having that blood vessel break in her brain. She had been doing a bit better and was finally out of the hospital and in a rehab facility and improving. I still hadn't been able to talk to her even though she was talking because I didn't have the number for the rehab place and she wouldn't have been able to hold the phone anyway and I guess nobody thought to call me but it's too late for any of that now.
My mom had a heart attack Friday. They did a couple of stents and she was going to the ICU with the plan to step her back down to the rehab place.
By Sunday they told her she wasn't going to make it.
Monday morning I found out and immediately booked the soonest flight I could get, the following morning. Later she was moved to a hospice facility. I booked a rental car and a hostel bed.
Tuesday morning I flew out, got the rental car, and went and sat with my mom most of the day. Got dragged out to dinner, had to do some practical stuff, went back to see her again but was super tired and had to drive 40 minutes to hostel so I only stayed a few minutes, told her I loved her a dozen times, hugged her, kissed her, told her I'd be back in the morning, she was gasping like a fish and it was awful. Kept blowing her kisses but she was so tired and couldn't really stay awake. Had horrible feeling heading to freeway that I needed to turn around and go back but I know my mom wouldn't have wanted me there seeing her like that any longer than I had to so I pushed it down and went and got some sleep.
Woke up at 5ish the next morning, missed call at 2ish am. ****. I knew before I called back, she'd gone in the night. The nurses were there and I know she wouldn't have wanted me there but I still feel bad about it.
The worst part is that I didn't think to try to save any of the voicemail she left me in January before everything went wrong until it was too late and they'd already been deleted from the server, and her phone number was already redirected to her friend's number a month ago, and I never really took pictures of her so all I have is the tiny picture in my contacts because the original of the photo was lost along with my old micro SD card.
The worst worst part is that I don't feel as horrible as I think I should and I know part of it is that really I've been mourning since January but I still feel like I should be constantly sobbing instead of just tired and sad and numb.